Things that happen when you eat carbs...

I've just completed my planned week off, excellent that it coincided with Christmas, as it's all about food in my family.  In addition to adding a few pounds, which of course is to be expecting with the refilling of glycogen stores, I was also aware of a number of other effects of going back to my old eating habits.  I toyed with what to do for the this week for some time, stay as low carb as poss, eat low gi this week and a hundred other combinations.  In the end I figured it would be an interesting experiment and a timely reminder to go back to how I used to eat and see what happened.

First things first, I gained a total of 6lb.  One of those was a late sneak in from the very end of the previous week, when I forgot to consider the amount of non-meat in cocktail sausages (!) then 5lb for this week.  Overall, I'm very impressed with that, considering my week 1 loss was 11lb, my expectation was that I would pop back on a minimum of half a stone.  The next biggest thing was that I could not physically manage the volume of food I had previously won medals for.  I tried, believe me I really did try, but I had to conceed defeat on several occasions where I literally felt that I was full to the brim and there was no more room at the inn. 

Important to note for me, is how eating like that again made me feel.  Bloated, sick, uncomfortable, sluggish, tired and restless at the same time.  I just didn't feel like I'd felt for the previous 12 weeks, my energy seemed to be entirely gone as did my drive to want to get up and do anything.  Some unusual things to note too - I get terrible short term arthitis type pains in my hands on waking, my finger joints are stiff and painful and I have to wait for my hands to "wake up" before I can use them properly.  My fingers snap from straight to bent like trigger finger.  It wasn't until this came back this week that I really considered how long it had been since I woke with that pain - clearly there is a link to eating carb.  My left hip has been increasingly painful over the last couple of years too - again this pain has returned this week when it had been fading (with the lessoning weight I thought, I'd not considered the carb link before).  My skin is dull, my hair is lank.  Quite frankly, I'm astonished at the difference in me!!

So, sticking with the plan, today I'm back onto 4 packs a day.  I don't plan to suplement this at this stage, but will consider additional low carb additions for the first few days if needed to get back into ketosis.  This morning I felt incredibly hungry, proper hungry too, cause now I know what that feels like!  I intend to track my carb intake on the SS support site, and note my calories.  I'm going to start reading Beck from the start again, and will complete every exercise in writing, even the ones I've already put into action, so I have a record of everything achieved.

This weeks target - drop that 6lb gain and get back to 3 stone off.

Did I mention I hit 3 stone off yet? :)

I know I did already, but it's not been so very often in my life that I've done something I just want to shout about, and 3 stone off in well under 12 weeks has impressed me no end!  Not least of which is my ability to stick to something, and actually find it easy enough to stick with.  Perhaps it's because I feel like I'm having cheats when I want them, which gives me the space to work through the need to have them, but by cheating on plan, I'm still able to lose.

Just had a quick morning look on mm as I usually do, and someone has posted a compliment on my profile pic.  That sort of thing doesn't happen to me.  I'm so touched someone took the time to type that out, I can't tell you what that means.  I'm on a bit of a high too, yesterday was our annual family Christmas gathering, we all get together to exchange presents and have a bit of a catch up, and the compliments were flowing there, which was lovely.  Best of all was my mum's reaction to my weight loss, bless her, she was so proud - and really that's worth everything, I'm so chuffed that she's so proud!

And did I mention I'm a size 16 now.  How did that happen.  It's not just a one off fluke, I've tried that size on from several different shops, even a Primark 18 is too big.  Love it!!

And did I mention the girl on the YSL counter in Debenhams?  She was quick to tell me how amazing their new serum is, that's she's 40 next year and loves it, so I should use it too to stay looking young like her.  I didn't have the heart to tell her that 41 has long since passed me by....

Love love love this plan, love love love the results and love love love what it's doing to me!

Still not returned to work! Oh my!

Well that was something a little more than a bug.  I have been completely floored by only my third ever episode of flu, and man, it doesn't half take it out of you!  Ended up seeing the doc on Monday as I was heading towards a week with a fever temperature, only to discover I then had bronchitis and was signed off work all week!  It's now the last day of that and I am just about feeling human again.  I ventured out in the ice and fog yesterday to see if I could actually function normally walking round and going in and out of shops and talking to people with the different temperatures.  I was a bit wheezy and a bit rattley but on the whole I could nearly function!  Scary to think that such a teeny little virus can knock off kilter so completely.  I've still got the cough, still taking the inhaler, and I've forgotten what my normal voice sounds like, but at least my head doesn't hurt so much now.

As for the plan - well l've stuck to it with license.  It's been more important to get myself through this illness but I was determined to stay in ketosis too.  Most days I didn't feel like eating so getting down a pack was a bit of a chore, some days I gave up at 3, but other days I was managing 4 and protein or an extra bar.  Figured it would all work itself out in the end.  And so it did.  I've had an 11 week + weigh in this morning as yesterday I was so very close to my target, hoped an extra day would do the trick.  And indeed it did!  Day 78 and I'm down 3 stone!  Yay!  11 weeks and 1 day, 42lb lighter.

And, yesterday, not only did I get into a size 16 dress in New Look, it also fitted!  I even tried on a 14, and whilst it was a little on the snug side, I do have to conclude that my boobs are not a 14 and perhaps I shouldn't wish for them to be!

Happy happy days!

Bleugh - first on plan poorly!

Up to now I was feeling quite smug with myself.  All these bugs floating about in the ether, even my beloved had a nasty attack of the shivers that I nursed him through, and I didn't pick up a single thing.  Figured the 4 packs and their complete nutrition offering was so much better for me than my previous food of choice that I was in the optimum health to avoid it all.  I think that is pretty much true, but there comes a point when even the fittest person (and I certainly can't call a position anywhere in the top 1000 of that list) is going to get struck down.

And so it has arrived.  Following a weekend of sneezing that I didn't think too much about, other than being a little concerned I might be developing an allergy to my kitties, yesterday I got that "taste", the one in the back of your throat that heralds the arrival of the bugs.  Hot bath and early night didn't fight it, and this morning I woke with a shocking temperature with every single part of me hurting - even my hair was hurting!  So the challenge begins - how do you treat a fluey type bug with an associated gastric element without coming out of ketosis?  How do you keep your fluid and calorie intake to a level where you won't start to shut down when you have absolutely no desire for eating alongside no hunger?

So far I've managed it with paracetemol and sleep!  I always find that sleep is the best healer for me, and know I'm not well when I can sleep for hours.  Today I've done that, slept for hours and hours and hours.  I feel a little better, managed some fresh chicken at lunchtime and had a cottage pie pack for tea - struggled a little with that one but figured I needed it!  Tried to keep the fluids up and made sure I've topped up regularly with paracetomol.  As long as I don't speak I feel relatively ok, but talking sets off the coughing and that darn well hurts, and hurts everywhere.  So the secret may be to keep it all to myself for a few days.  Had a rare day off work today, fully expect to be having at least another one tomorrow.  Nasty bug!

Day 60

Oh my life, what a day.  I've challenged myself this week and I think it's a challenge too far that I'm not quite fully prepared for as yet.  Which in itself is fine as it's a learning point to explore and find out more about.  Part one of my challenge is to not get weighed this week, not until weighing in day.  That part is ok, it's certainly not easy but I've moved the scales away so they don't stare at me endlessly when I'm having one of the very many loo trips necessary to flush out all this fat.  The other part is to strip back the plan and just do packs for the week.

First few days, ok, but I could feel a rebellion brewing up!  So, I decided, that today, being in the middle of my week and being a Sunday, which was always my hardest day to stay on any plan before this, that I would allow protein and veg today and extra packs if I wanted to.  It's that time of year when everyone is updating Sunday status's with talks of roast dinners, and I just allowed the idea of all that to get inside my head and strenghten my giving in muscle!  So, purchased 200g of rump steak and leeks.  I planned to eat it all in one go to get it over and done with, but couldn't face more than half the steak, so I stuck with 100g.  Had it with the leeks and a pack of mac cheese.  Then mid afternoon I fancied a wafer with a coffee, so I had one.  Then I had the rest of the steak and another mac cheese for tea, and a chocolate truffa bar.

In itself it was a sort of experiment, I've done 59 full days of this without a single cheat (apart from a small onplan overdose of smoked salmon!) and I was curious what it would be like to feel too full - before starting this journey that was my standard feeling, and I wondered if I missed it.  I have the answer to that now - NO!  It's awful, I feel sick as a dog and so darn uncomfortable!  I don't want that amount of food and I sure as heck don't need it.  So, still on plan, didn't have anything I shouldn't have, but an interesting experiment to give in to my desires and cravings in a controlled way.

Feels like I'll be staying on plan over Christmas right now, but we'll reserve a judgement on that til we get there, certainly not making any decisions right now, got another 29 days of fat shedding before that one gets here!

Day 56.....

And it's just normal.  My head has changed.  I'm doing Beck and I've done the task in the next chapter before I've even got to it!  It's official weigh in in 2 days and to date this week I've lost a pound.  That's not a great deal, particularly given the low amount of calories I'm consuming, but my head is saying that it's good, its a loss, its all going in the right direction.  And that in itself is utterly amazing.  Previously I would have only lost a pound.  Now I've lost a pound so far.

I was thinking last night, I've never ever stuck with a plan for so long without cheats.  I should confess at this point that I did have a weak moment last Thursday night, and I did do a cheat, well I felt like I was doing a cheat at the time and had that associated guilt.  I bought a large pack of very fine smoked salmon (and yes, I did get it as a treat, and yes, thats entirely wrong and I do need to do some more work on that) and had some with my pack.  And it was totally delicious so I had some more..... I felt terrible afterwards, but it was a lesson to learn.  And in the grand scheme of things, it's not much of a cheat, it was on plan, I just had a bit much.  Bought some nice electronic kitchen scales yesterday and measured the rest of the salmon into 100g portions to freeze.  I was quite surprised how much of it made up 100g, I'd been guessing before - so in reality, even my one cheat wasn't as much as I thought it was - I maybe went over by ooh, say 20g!!

I'm going to set myself the challenge next week of not getting weighed.  For a whole week.  I'm going to focus on the plan, ensure I get enough water, go back to basics, 4 packs and nothing else, and no weighing in, and see what happens.  It's something unthinkable a few weeks ago, but I feel ready for it!  Seems like a silly thing, but those bathroom scales hold the key to my approach to each day - step on them and its gone down and a good day will be in store, when they've gone up, the world ends.  It's insane, but it's how it is, and it's a habit of obsession that I need to change.  So, the challenge is set, I weigh in for week 8 in 2 days time, then no more weighing til the following Thursday.  Eek!!

Today is an amazing day

I don't quite know why but I felt it needed recording.  I'm so very happy today.  Perhaps this is the total euphoria that's been talked about, taken me a while to find it if it is!  I am smiling, can't stop smiling, so very happy!  (And anyone who knows me knows this is not normal!).

Tried on an old too small top, it looks entirely different on me and fits so well.  I'm wearing it tomorrow, it's fabulous.  Even thought I'd get out my very small dress from the wardrobe, it fits perfectly apart from my bust, and I really don't mind about that one bit.  I did some measurements a couple of days ago, and from starting LL, I've lost 21 inches from bust, waist and hips - just 3 of them from my bust, so they have clearly decided to hang about!  9 inches from my waist which is just plain daft!

I've accomplished a big task at work today, I did something I needed to do at lunchtime, and I've come home and spent an hour sorting out my spare room.  I really feel I've acheived something today.

And it's made me very very happy.  If this is my future, bring on tomorrow :))))

Day 42

I think it could very well be the answer to the ultimate question of life, the universe and everything as today seems like a very significant day to consider what my life was like before I started with VLCD and TFL 42 days ago.  It couldn't be more different.  And what is most astonishing of all, 42 days is just a month and a half.

Back then (lol) I got up and had breakfast - reasonably healthy, poached egg on a crumpet (no butter) or a bowl of cereal with skimmed milk.  I always started the day off right.  By 9am I would be at work, having a black coffee.  And a twix.  By lunchtime I would have probably had another chocolate bar and a packet of crisps.  I'd have a reasonably healthy lunch though, so that's ok.  There might be muffins around in the afternoon, so I'd have one with a coffee, would be rude not to.  I'd get home from work and sit down, wondering what to have for tea.  It would be something reasonably healthy of course, unless I was having a treat (only about 3 or 4 nights a week) when it would be a pizza (a whole one) or maybe a chinese.  Then I'd sit down and watch tv.  Once a week I went to my Rosemary Conley class and did some exercise, and wondered why I hadn't lost any weight, cause I'd not had any butter, or cooked with fat, or had cream.  It would take me most of the week to recover from that exercise.  I was tired all the time, often I needed a nap when getting in from work, and didn't sleep well at all, waking often in the night and then struggling to wake in the morning.

During the last 42 days I have totally cleared my living room and changed all of the furniture around.  I have cleared out and cleaned all my kitchen cupboards and reorganised them, washed them all down and cleared all the hidey spots on top of them and the fridge.  I've totally cleared my spare room, painted it, wallpapered and moved my bedroom into it.  I'm half way through sorting my old bedroom into a workshop for expanding my jewellery making hobby into a little cottage business.  I've sorted all my clothes and now have piles waiting for the next ebay free listings weekend.  I've sorted my finances, sorted and renewed car insurance with better cover, sorted a new ISP and phone provider and saved money.  I run up the stairs wherever I go and feel so much happier inside.  I sleep well and wake refreshed.  I've joined a gym.  I've done this at the same time as having a full time job and a fractured arm for the first 20 days.

And bestest of all ever - I've not once fallen over from having low blood sugar, I've not once thought I may pass out from hunger, and I've not once considered "cheating".  I am very proud of me.

I am in love!

Totally in love with this plan, totally in love with the effects on me, totally in love with how I feel in my head, totally in love with the comments I'm getting already - my OH is very happy! I love it!

32 days in the bag and this really does not feel like any kind of plan that on the face of it has so much not in it.  With S&S I can have a meal if I want to, it makes it so much more flexible and liveable.  I'm amused with myself that my choices of protein have been fish - I really fancied a fresh tuna steak and have had salmon too.  I'm not a big fish lover normally, but it seems to fit the new me.  Funny, Pauline Quirke had the same compulsion with LLL.  I'm being careful of what I'm having when, and tracking all the calories.  I feel a bit brighter having vegetables, but that's probably just a head reaction.

So, losses so far - another 4lb to add to the total, which is 23.5lb in 4 weeks.  Very very happy with that.  My jeans are massive, last years winter skirts (which I bought after losing 3 stone, but put 1 of them back on) are falling off.  It's amazing!  I've got 4 dresses in my wardrobe that have never been out as they are too tight, all would be great for Christmas but I really do think they'll all be too big by then!  Might have a little try on today and see how they are looking!

I'm very happy.  I've got 3 days off work to do that decorating I mentioned before, need to clear out my spare room and have it all painted by the end of Wednesday - then on Saturday, the paper will be going up.  Can't wait!  It's all super exciting, not least of which is that I'm actually doing it after sitting on my backside and thinking about it for so long.  Brilliant!

A lot has happened since Saturday

Where to start, I should have perhaps posted a bit more often but I seem to be really busy, and I am really busy, clearing out cupboards, preparing for decorating, doing ironing, doing exercise.  Not my old "busy" of there being a lot on the tv I want to watch!

Sunday I went shopping with an old friend.  I told her about my plan, that I was happy with coffee if she wanted a cake, and the day just went.  Then I had a bit of a funny turn in M&S and got all shaky, felt very hot and very very weak.  Stupid me hadn't been drinking water and I'd got well and truly dehydrated.  I'd missed a food pack too as we'd just kept on shopping, and so felt pretty shocking.  Easy solved and soon felt reasonable again, but wow! That was a lesson learnt.  I really did think there was something quite wrong and I was in danger of collapsing.  No ill effects, but I've been more tired in the last few days so this may be connected.

Today is day 7 of s&s and I am seriously loving it.  I even had a "meal" on Monday night as it allows veg and protein as an option if you want, so I added in a salmon fillet and some green veg to my mushroom pasta (most of which fed the microwave as I wasn't watching it!) - it was like nectar!  I had some veg left, so last night I had macaroni cheese with leeks and brocolli.  Lots of people on the forums add in 200g of veg every day to bulk up the packs and are continuing to have good losses.  I'm planning to have some more tonight, cause I've got it in the fridge, then see what tomorrow's weigh in will bring.  It's also important tonight that I have some reading time, as Wednesday was my counselling night, and I really must keep this side of things up, otherwise my progress in this first 4 weeks could be lost.  I've taken delivery this week of the 5 a day monthly pack, on the recommendation from the minimins support site as the cheapest way to order.  Still having 4 packs a day, this gives an extra week for less than the cost of an extra week.  So, given it's 10 weeks to Christmas, I just need to order all that again, and I'm covered to the point I originally committed my head too.  Have to admit to being super excited about what I'll look like by then! 

Feels good to get it out there

I'm onto day 3 of my new plan - I've decided for many reasons to start up with Slim and Save.  The packs are so much nicer and considerably cheaper.  It suits me for now so I'll see where I get to with it.  The online support communities are great, so much information is out there to help and assist.  I'm continuing with the exploration of my head and are feeling good.  It's certainly not all straightforward by any stretch of the imagination but I am continuing forward to wherever that will take me - I am positive it's a much nicer place.

I think I've wanted to lose myself over the years, and hide behind the protection of being someone else so I don't have to face or deal with me.  After a while though, me starts getting a bit antsy and wants to see what's going on, then it all gets a bit frustrating with a bit of a battle til me is hidden once again.  I've taken a different approach now, stopped swallowing my emotions, recognising the adult way to deal with difficult situations and refusing to let me be hidden again.  I have the right to be me, and I actually quite like me, so why do I keep hiding?

There are some really tough decisions to be made, but one thing I recognise that I haven't before, is that it is right to take all the time I need to make them.  Quick decisions are often rash decisions with me that I regret and then immediately reverse.  What I need is the time to think things through, to consider all the options, all the consquences and come to the right decision in my own time.  Not hiding all that behind a big plate of Chinese takeaway gives me lots of space to think about it.

Oooh, I forgot about my weight loss this week (much like I keep forgetting to have my packs!) - another 4.5lb taking me to 19.5lb in 3 weeks.  I'm seriously seriously impressed with that - I've done that!  Week 4 and I'm looking at exercising, time to start the toning.

Massive decision day!

I'm feeling rather proud of myself today.  I've made two very big decisions today and I feel I've given them both due consideration and weighed up the merits before reaching a conclusion.  One of them is about my weight loss journey, the other one is a personal situation that has been bothering me (to say the least) for almost a year.  I've handled both of them in an adult way and said what I need to say about how I feel without getting emotional about it.  I was getting anxious before making a phone call I needed to make, but for the first time I actually recognised that for what it was, and not as a need for food.  It was quite refreshing to acknowledge that.

The other decision - I have decided that I am not getting what I expected from LL counselling.  The content itself is excellent and I'm really getting into the self help elements of it, but the actual group sessions are a bit of a let down to be honest.  Group members seem to come and go, they don't contribute to the session and talk about cheating with a little giggle before we've started.  I have no idea who most of these people are, there are only 2 others who have been there each time I have, and as much as I want to contribute (and do) I don't feel confortable as that bonding is impossible with such transience.  So, I'm changing plans.  I'm not daft enough to think I can do this alone - I don't think I can, but I do have all the tools to be able to succeed.  I've decided to follow a different vlcd that has a lively online support network and see how it goes.  I have lots of resources to call upon, and have a counsellor lined up for private sessions if I feel the need.  I feel much happier about it all now - both situations.  I actually feel like for the first time in an incredibly long time, I am in control of my life and my decisions are my own.

Another Sunday in the bag

I've not written anything for a few days.  On one hand that's quite good, cause progress is being made towards this being normal.  On the other hand, this is great therapy and good to read back to see how I'm getting on.  So, I think I should make a bit more effort.  What I have been making an effort on, is recognising what ego state I'm in at particular times and consider how I could have handled situations in a different way if I'd chosen a different ego state.  I'm feeling a bit wiped out, but that's nothing unusual I don't think, about 3/4 of my workplace has a stinking cold, so it's bound to come my way, although I don't feel like I've got one just yet, I have been a bit lightheaded at times.  Need to get used to trapped wind too, cause it don't half blooming hurt! 

Cleared out all my kitchen cupboards today, it was very theraputic and quite illuminating to find so much stuff out of date - it's not like my cupboards are very big and I only have a few of them.  I'm liking having clear surfaces and everything clean and tidy.  That's one good thing about having so much free time away from thinking about food, I'm getting loads done.  I want to move bedrooms (I've probably mentioned this already) but my spare room is just overflowing with everything that doesn't go anywhere else.  I feel ready to tackle it this week, I'm determined to have it all sorted for Christmas.  There is so much stuff in there I can sell, it'll probably pay for my new Primark spring/summer 13 wardrobe ;)

A kind of nothing day...

Really just a regular day today, nothing outstanding, nothing unusual, just a regular day.  Which, in itself is totally and absolutely amazing.  Today I don't feel like I'm not eating food.  Today is just normal.  I'm rather pleased with that.  Don't know if it's a pattern you settle into, if the TA is really settling my head down, if I'm just feeling contentedly pleased with myself or what really!  I do know it feels pretty amazing.  My hypochondriac me had a small moment early on this evening when I found a hard lump in my chest.  All was ok though, cause adult me quickly realised it was my breastbone!  Weird, never felt it before!  A further check and I found some more hard bits, I believe these are my ribs.  In a few weeks I might get to know what hips feel like too.  I'm now just 5lb over my lowest weight in 10 years, which is around 20lb more than my lowest weight in my adult life.  The thought that I can back there and beyond before Christmas is utterly thrilling.

And for once, my lovely fiance knows what to get me for Christmas - we'll be going clothes shopping.  When I was at my biggest I just wanted to fit into Primark clothes so I could go buy a new wardrobe full each month!  Now I'm heading that way I think (in my new forward planning outlook) that I will invest in a staple wardrobe of classics and I can throw in a few of the cheapies to ring the changes.  Still, once I fit Primark, it'll be cheap enough when I keep changing down the sizes I guess.  There's an ambition for you - to be clothed head to toe by Primark!!

Adult me is delighted, Child a little petulant

We're onto ego states, TA - have looked at this previously through work but never related it to food choices.  Really interesting stuff.  And of course, it's week 2 weigh in day.  So, here's how it went - I lost 4lb.  And here's what I think:

Nurturing parent - that's really good, I'm proud of you, it's great that you're taking this action to benefit your long term health, well done, you deserve a treat.

Critical parent - over a stone in 2 weeks, that's way too fast, you'll make yourself ill, you should have some proper food.

Adult - That's a good steady loss in line with the expectations of the plan, you're making real progress towards your long term goals.

Adapted child - Sorry it's not more than that, I should really make more effort next week and perhaps do some more exercise.

Rebellious child - *sticks tongue out* see, you said I couldn't do it, proved you wrong didn't I.

Free child - yippppppeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Clearly I've got a lot of work to do on learning and understanding more about TA and it's application in my LL journey (sorry for getting any of this wrong - that'll be my adapted child again!).  But it is fascinating, and it's answering so many of the questions I had when I began this journey, so much of my life is starting to make sense.  And proper sense, it's not excusing behaviours and choices, it's allowing me to realise why I've made the choices I have and how I behave.  Illuminating stuff.

Gosh, that's all very deep and adult.  After 40 odd years spent mainly as an adapted child that feels quite scary!

Talking is good for the soul

Today I've been chatting a lot to a friend about weight loss and weight gain.  He's the only person apart from my OH who knows I'm doing LL - well obviously everyone in my group does, my LLC and obviously you - but outside of LL I've only shared with 2 people and he's one of them.  He lost a lot of weight for his wedding, and in the year since he's gained it all back and is feeling very down about it - all of this I can relate to (apart from the wedding!) so today I've been counselling him with TA.  I didn't actually realise I was at the time, but on my way home from work I was thinking about it, and I was!  That's both amused and impressed me.  Already in week 2 I can see enough about choices made in child and parent states that I can give him the adult suggestion.

I did some running upstairs today, just because I could and it felt amazing.  I could also feel that my muscles were fatiguing in a different way to how they used to, wonder if this is the proper way, and perhaps before it was my head that decided I'd had enough.  I also thought today, oddly, that I don't know what hunger feels like.  I've identified that what I thought was hunger isn't, but I really don't know if I've ever been hungry.  That's appalling, and I am embarrassed to admit that!  One thing I do know though, getting this all out of my head and down on (virtual) paper is really doing me good.  I think I can recognise that I am an emotional eater at the very least and often I've swallowed my feelings with a multipack of crisps, it's great to get it all down here for me.  Long may this continue!

Biggest challenge yet...

Urgh.... she's arrived.  That awful relative of mine (and all us girls) who knocks on the door uninvited and barges her way in making me feel shocking.  Hello Auntie Florence, how wonderful to see you (not).  I kind of forgot how absolutely dreadful I feel when she arrives, it's all coming back to me now, and what makes me feel better?  Chocolate of course.  And cheese.  And pizza.  And everything else that comes under the category of food I really shouldn't look at if I want to have a healthful life.  I've got some pretty strong and effective painkillers from the doc that do the trick and have kept things at bay all weekend, but I forgot that day 3 is usually my worst in terms of pain and bloating and generally feeling like I want to drown in a bath of melted dairy milk.  So what did I do - not take a painkiller when I went to bed so I've woken up feeling bleugh.  To cement the bleugh, the scales haven't shifted since last night and I can certainly feel it.  I need my adult to be very loud in her reasonable voice today, reassuring me that all will be fine in a few hours, it will pass, and it's nowhere near as bad as it has been.  Perhaps she could start by telling me to stop weighing myself everytime I go to the bathroom (and given the water consumption, I've now got a pretty accurate picture of my weight fluctuations by the hour!).

Something else to be proud of when I get to the other end of today, I think that's a thought I need to hold on to for the next few hours at least.  I really should consider though, normally I'd be floored today, for the morning at least, I'd be sat in a salt water bath several times over then sleeping off the rest of the pain.  Today I'm functioning, a little uncomfortable but ok and at work doing my normal daily tasks - on week 2 that's some acheivement.  Whether that is down to the change in food intake, the change in weight (already) or the change in my head I don't really mind.  All I know is that the pain is real and I can feel it and it hurts, so however it's going is fine by me!  Just need to work on the pmt a little..... :).  A new phenomenon has hit, one that I never imagined I would get - today, I forgot to "eat".  Went for my midday walk, came back, got on with my work.  90 minutes later it occured to me I didn't make a soup.  To my other half, this would not be odd, but to me (and I suspect others just like me) who thinks of food before I've even got out of bed, who has no time do do things in the evening as food takes up so much of it, who's first response to any kind of emotional upset, and I mean any kind, is to reach for the junk - it's unthinkable to even contemplate forgetting!

And I've already got so much more time.  There are hours between finishing work and settling down for an evenings tv entertainment to do things.  I'm working my way through mountains of holiday washing and ironing, I've totally rearranged one of my rooms, and have plans to swap round my two bedrooms in the very near future (I call one of them the room of doom, so it's not the most straightforward of changeovers).  This weeks task between the washing and ironing is to clear out the kitchen cupboards - and I will be ruthless!  Loving the new me so far, and there is still much further to go!

Astonishing - I keep forgetting to "eat"

I've not posted anything for a few days, seem to have been quite busy just doing stuff I guess, but all is well in the world of ll.  In fact, all is very very well.  I had a small social event on Friday evening - treated myself to a "proper" coffee to take with me so I didn't feel left out from those purchasing their beverages from the (overpriced!) bar, and, talking of bars, took one with me and munched away.  It was fine, nobody noticed, nobody really cared!  Yesterday we went to the coast, it was my idea as a bit of a test I think.  I don't much care for fish and chips most of the time, but there is something about eating them fresh from paper looking out over the beach on a chilly autumn day that just can't be beat.  And then there are the fresh ring donuts...... enough about the food already!  Suffice to say, it was my test day.  And I'm very proud that I passed the test with flying colours. We even went into a pub where I was made a black coffee as they didn't sell bottled water or have hot drinks for sale - what a lovely lady to make me a nescafe.

So, considering Andrew had a hot, deliciously smelling Greggs sausage roll on the way, and all those temptations there, I think I've rightly earned my proud badge for the day.  I was however, entirely pooped when we got back, ended up fast asleep in front of the tv before 9pm, think the sea air wiped me out.

Sunday, we're here again.  My arm is much better this week, I should have no issue getting discharged from the fracture clinic on Tuesday, I've not worn my splint all weekend, bit naughty but it all feels fine.  Today I had decided I would move the furniture in my room ready for winter (I like to lounge on the sofa nearer to the wall heater in winter, but like the sun in summer).  I did it all, moved everything, cleaned everywhere, proper spring clean clean too.  The question has to be, if LL is bad for you, and you can't possibly function on 500 odd calories a day, where on earth did all that energy come from?  Next on the list are the kitchen cupboards.  When I first moved in here I liked to keep my kitchen surfaces clear, over the years (lol, only 4 of them) things have crept onto them as the cupboards have filled, so I'm having a total clear out - why exactly do I need cocktail glasses that have only ever had dust inside them - and will find a place for everything, actifry, slow cooker, veg steamer, all of which will be very useful tools in low fat/low gi cooking once I'm at that stage in my journey, but I want to get that minimalist look back, it's clean and organised and will be representative of my life going forward.

Day 8 - How very odd indeed

I got my week one weigh in last night.  I'll just keep you in suspenders a little while longer while I explain the oddness.  After being much like an excited Andrex puppy all day yesterday (I did manage to contain myself and didn't actually run round the office trailing toilet roll) I got weighed in and just thought yes, that'll do.  I'm very happy about it, but mainly kind of serene, basking in the glow of my achievement but in a very low key way.  Which is odd.  Maybe this is the adult in my being allowed to shine a little.  I like it, it's good, I need more of it.  And so to the amount.... 11lb.  Yes, 11lb.  I lost, in just 7 days, a total of 11lb.  That's seriously impressive, and I am impressed, but in a way that will look up from doing The Times crossword and give you a faint hint of a smile crossing my lips as you catch my eye over my glasses.... (I've never read The Times by the way, let alone considered doing the crossword, it all feels a bit grown up, maybe I'm starting to feel a bit grown up?).

And so to week 2.  I have bars.  I'm not entirely sure I'm safe to be let lose with bars, but I've purchased a few to see how it goes.  The one good thing, I've got a work function with lunch next week and was having a small panic about having to come clean (I'm doing this in secret for the time being, can't be doing with the armchair experts telling me how dangerous it is!) - should I take a shake, which would end up revealing all, should I take a shake and go have it in the loo, why on earth should I do that, should I take a soup and pray for hot water - but no, the bar has saved me, I'll just have a bar, easy to explain away without it looking a bit weird or needing to rely on things that might not be available.  I'm super excited to the possibility of losing a stone in 2 weeks.  The best I've done on other plans is being about a pound off after 4 weeks and then taking ages to finally whip off the other pound and get that certificate.  I'm also really quite excited that this might actually work, I've said before I'll probably need to see a month or so of decent losses before I'm convinced, but 11lb in one week has gone a good way to pursuading me. 

Had a work meeting this morning, one of the type that has biscuits provided.  Now, normally I'd sneak one in quickly whilst pouring my coffee, so nobody would notice (a free one so clearly the calories don't need counting) then there would be 2 sat on my saucer to go back to the table with.  Quickly polished off, then return for a refill of coffee and biscuits and go circulate so you're not going back to the same table with 2 more biscuits.  Arrive early enough at the meeting, and I reckon I could get into double biscuit figures before the meeting started.  But not today.  Today I had a coffee.  Then I had another coffee.  Then I drank my litre of water.  Then I filled it up.  I ran up the stairs to the loo (a few times after all that liquid) and had a surge of energy very alien to me.  Not complaining though, it felt good.  What felt REALLY GOOD though, and I seriously would not have ever expected in a million months of Sundays to be saying this - the sense of achievement and how proud I felt of myself for not having a biscuit.  Small things maybe, but those small steps eventually got us to the moon....

The end of the first week of my different life

It's Wednesday.  To say I'm excited would be a massive understatement.  I'm positively giddy at the prospect of what I may have acheived in week one.  I can't honestly believe either, that it's a full week since I last ate food - given the vast quantities I felt I needed in order to stay alive (how ironic) - I've put the fuel packs in and that's it.  And it's been considerably easier than I thought it would be.  I planned for pain and anguish and days of being a total mardymare, but on the whole it's been pretty good.  I've made a start on the TA stuff, starting reading some of the suggested books and made time for me, just me, to clear my head of the day to day and think about how I maybe found myself where I am now.  It's been very interesting so far and I'm sure there is more to come.  I'm itching to get on the online forum, but are waiting for my LLC to change my status on her system - why hasn't she done it yet!  I keep reading the posts on there and I'm dying to join in.

So, review of the week - the packs - they've actually all been ok.  I've read on the forums that there isn't much choice and there should be more cause they get a bit samey - someone suggested pizza!  Kind of missing the entire point of LL in my view - it's not food, it shouldn't look like food, it's fuel, in a variety of flavours and guises so we're not totally put off from being able to get it inside our bodies where it can go work it's magic.  Didn't much care for the porridge but having made it with more water than suggested, it's much improved, chicken soup doesn't have a great deal of taste for me, the others are preferable.  Tried all the shakes apart from banana, that's a big no-no for me.  Just got the summer berries to have tonight, all good so far and I love the vanilla.  Not too keen on chilli con carne but it's ok.

All in all, I'm pretty impressed with my first week.  It's a strange and odd thing to be removed from the pressures of eating, and I honestly didn't consider eating in that way before now.  Taking a step back from it, it's so easy to see how people like me who are so very easily pursuaded can overeat - food is everywhere, being rammed down your throat with advertising and special offers, huge pictures of delicious pasties - well they used to look like that but now I'm viewing them like Pauline Quirkes sausage roll explanation - smell lovely but really just fat flour and water mushed together and rolled round a piece of dodgy meat!

Day 6 - Brain fog and tiredness

I think I might not be drinking enough water.  I'm trying to do 2 litres a day measured with coffee and an odd glass or two on top of that, but I didn't quite do it over the weekend and failed miserably yesterday.  All of which leads me to conclude I'm dehydrated in a way I've not been before and it's affecting my brain!  Today I've had trouble stringing a sentence together, I can speak of course, but a word will just evaporate from my head in the middle of a sentence just before it is due to venture forth from my mouth.  And I'm tired, really tired.  So, google being your friend and all that.... I learnt today that mild dehydration thickens your blood a little, so it's harder work to get it round your body, using more energy, hence the tiredness.  So, that's good news then, I may have failed to provide enough flushing facilities, but at least I'll still be burning off some belly.  I've tried to make amends but I fear I may be doing that mending for a few days before I've caught up.  I feel ok, apart from the tiredness.  I'm sleeping very well and getting enough hours in, so it must be down to the water situation.

Well, it's week 1 weigh in tomorrow, wonder how I'll do.  I'm keen to know but also very nervous, I really want to see a difference with this plan so it'll need to be a big number for me - dare I even hope for double figures?  Clearly not every week, but I always get a decent number in week one on most plans - I need this one to be different!  I keep looking at my colourless flowers, I'm itching to give them some life!  Bought new pencils and everything, Crayola no less.  One thing though - wind - I think it's another feeling I've mistaken for hunger.  Trapped wind rolling round inside me.  I was thinking it was thirst rather than hunger cause I'm a bit dehydrated, so I've been watering it profusely, but to no avail and it's just got worse and worse and worse.  My head is saying it can't be hunger so it must be something else, and by bedtime, I'm in agony.  Swift rub of the chest and almost instant relief - so, mistaken bodily function feeling number 2 - it's wind, not a need for a McDonalds.

Day 5 - ooooh I say!

I think it's arrived!  The euphoria that is.  I dreamt of a helicopter crashing, it was a gentle flip into some water and nobody was hurt - don't know if that's at all relevant but it's notable for me because of the vibrancy of it.  Of course it's entirely possible the WY police helicopter was doing it's rounds close by at the time, but I do generally wake up when it does - annoying - but, I wonder, maybe the effect is more sounder sleeping rather than a nod to the amazing detail in my dream?

Anyhow, it started to kick in yesterday, I was so tired earlier on I couldn't keep my eyes open in the waiting room when I went for my scan but by the time I got home, the thought of a snoozy had all but disappeared and I even had a bit of a late night for me (almost 11!).  Had to get up once in the night to pay a visit, the curse of all this water, or maybe the flushing out of the last of the glycogen stores, but other than that, slept very soundly indeed.  Quite refreshing for a normally very light sleeper disturbed by the slightest sound. This morning I almost leapt out of bed (bit of a sore still fractured arm and dodgy knees taken into account...) with a level of waking energy I'm really not familiar with.  Jumped on my scales - naughty I know, but it works for me, totally unofficial cause I purposely didn't compare like for like to know how far mine are out, in an attempt to start breaking this unpleasant habit - and it's looking good!  Ketostix are darker so I know I'm using my belly to get me through the day.  That's an amazing feeling, I have become the ultimate self sufficient machine!

Felt good all day really, work colleagues had that Monday morning feeling and it didn't affect me or have me thinking what I'd done wrong.  I missed out on a meeting I should have been invited to, it would have had me heading for the vending machine seeking a friendly twix to tell my woes to a week ago - what honestly popped into my head today?  "Well, you've all lost out on my input today, some of which could have been valuable and improved your day" - that's a massive step forward for me, and long may it last!  I'm having a bit of an inner conflict though, with wanting to get up and on with things, and trying to get used to being a bit kinder to myself and allowing my body this first week to adjust to the differences I've just slammed it with.  I had a notion earlier to tackle the 6 flights of stairs, had a swift word with myself and took the lift - one for the future though I do think.  I'm a bit frustrated that I still can't get on the LL forums, I'm itching to add my bit and seek the advice of others, will have to email the support team tonight I think.  So for tonight, it'll be my first soap Monday without the support of a comforting pack of Maltesers or 4.  I'm not missing food, was thinking about it on the way home.  I'm curious to know more and do this in a speedy way.  Came across someone on the forums today who'd dropped 199lb since January - that's seriously impressive!

Day 4. Feeling good but tired.

Which really might be nothing to do with the change of energy use from carbs to my very own ample fat stores.  Andrew has been here for the weekend as he usually is.  He's still feeling the cold after spending nearly 6 of the very hottest weeks of the year in our beloved Icmeler and has to have the heat on.  I'm not one for having a warm bedroom, I don't sleep so well, and with him hogging the bed and the majority of the covers, I've not had so much sleep.  So it could just be that or it could be a combination, or it could just be ketosis?  I'm doubtful it's just ketosis as that is supposed to give me a burst of energy, not send me off to nodsville.  I was antsy yesterday, wanting to get on with cleaning and rearranging stuff, but ended up frustrated cause what I want to do is move furniture around ready for winter (best place for the Christmas tree and all that) and I can't do that with my fractured arm.  Cleaned the fridge and kitchen instead but it didn't quite cut it.

So, I was going to venture round town and make a mental list of target treats I fancy, but instead I'm just stopping off at Argos to pick up a water filter jug - given I'm drinking so much of it for the forseeable, I might as well make it taste the best I can, and a pack of colouring pencils!  I'm a visual person, and saw a lovely idea for logging your loses on the lighterlife forums - can't find it again to give credit to the originator, but if you ever read this - thank you, inspirational idea! - Flowers with 6 petals and a centre, each one representing a pound in weight lost, so every time you complete a flower, you've lost half a stone.  I've got 4 stone of flowers sat on my fridge waiting for some colour!

It's been a challenging weekend too, dealing with someone else in the flat eating food.  Andrew is a fussy eater, so I normally end up cooking him something different to me anyhow, so that wasn't so bad.  But he loves pizzas, so do I, and wanted one last night.  It did smell really good but I wasn't tempted by it - must admit though, I almost automatically licked the pizza slicer before putting it in the sink!  I didn't do it, but it was quite a timely reminder of the things we do without thinking.  Sunday is my big day of junk food eating, so today has really been a tester.  Went for a scan at lunchtime so had to drink a lot of water for that, all good for the fat flushing, meant I was pretty late with my second food pack but all is ok.  Tried out the savoury broth this afternoon as an alternative to the many cups of black coffee I've been drinking, it's not bad.  I'm pretty pleased with myself cause it's now 5pm and I've not really had any serious "needs" for food.  I've still got 2 more packs to have today, so I'm doing good.  Really really looking forward to Wednesday night to see how much I've done so far - need to see a decent loss for the first month I think before I believe that I can actually do this as I often lose big on the first week of a plan.

Todays MASSIVE learning point - my hunger is thirst.  For 41 years I've fed my thirst and then fed it some more when it's not gone away.  What I should have done is put the kettle on and watered it instead.  There's one to remember - it's not hunger, it's thirst.  I know the feeling, I'm very familiar with it, just need to sort my head out remembering that it's not an overwhelming need for 2 packets of crisps in case I fall over and pass out from lack of food (seriously, the number of times I've actually thought that, after going, oooh, maybe a max of 3 hours since eating!!), it just needs sorting with a bottle of water.

Day 2 - I must have been living in hell already!

I feel fine.  More than fine.  I don't feel hideous, I don't have cravings, I don't have any desire to chew off my own arm and have it with pasta.  The only conclusion I can draw from this is that I was already living in hell.  It's quite possible I guess, my diet had got so bad I felt pretty shocking before I started, and I knew it was about what I was putting in my mouth, but still I did it.  Perhaps I'm experiencing a little premature euphoria simply because I've done day 1, and I've done a few hours of day 2 too, and haven't had to fight the forces of evil that make me eat anything and everything.

What's exciting so far (small things and all that) is that already on morning 2 my ketostix registered a trace - woohoo! 24 hours in and it's already not negative.  I was delighted, already I've just about cleared out the glycogen stores and are getting ready to burn the fat off.  That's quite quick, maybe that's why I needed to eat so often, I must have such an efficient internal system to convert carbs to fat that I don't hold much in the glycogen stores, I must have a little corner shop rather than a glycogen supermarket.  I know, as far as excuses for overeating go, that's a cracking one.  I'm sure in the weeks to come I'll discover what type of thinking that is, but for now, I'm having a little titter to myself about my very small glycogen store.

I had the vanilla shake last night - loved it, so at least there is something I can have if all else fails.  This morning was raspberry porridge, I made it a little thinner than yesterdays plain stuff and it was good, so I'll try doing that with plain tomorrow before I right it off altogether.  Later will be either veg or chicken soup, not sure which yet, and pasta carbonara when I get home, not sure if I'm curious or quite apprehensive about that one!

OK, I have to admit, it's mid afternoon and I have felt hungry today.  I did about 9am, and I do again now after having a pack about 90 minutes ago.  That's not so great.  I'm feeling a teeny bit light headed too and quite tired.  That said, I'll be quite happy if this is the extent of todays hell.  Had a pop up to Boots in my around 12 o'clock break from work.  Looked all over for some breath freshner, in preparation for giving out clouds of keytone breath very soon.  Eventually managed to find the smallest bottle ever, so got 3 of them (3 for 2, never one to pass up an offer) and have them stashed in my handbag.  Had a little squirt earlier - ugh!  It's awful!  Made me feel quite icky, so think I'll be using them on an occasional basis only.

Day one - just don't think about the food!

Firstly, I have to say that this can't be about food, if I sit here writing about food then I'll be hungry.  More than that, I'll start craving all the things I want to have that I can't have, just because I can't have them and writing about them has put them in my head.  It's basically as simple as that, I think about a food, I want it, I usually go get it, and then of course, I usually eat it.  That's what got me into this mess. So, enough about food.
This is day one of my Lighterlife journey.  So far so good, but it's only 11am.  I'm told today will be pretty hellish, tomorrow worse, Saturday a write off, but it'll all be worth in on Sunday when I will wake up feeling amazing.  Even at this stage, when I can recognise that my issues with food are in my head, and that's what needs addressing, I can be positive enough about myself to consider that my future is worth 3 days of hell, particularly with that promised rainbow to greet my awakening on day 4.  I'm looking forward to having the tools to discover things about myself that will help me to say no to bad choices, hoping maybe too that the same tools will help in all areas of my life.  When I started to consider "doing" Lighterlife, I started to think about maybe how this all started, how far back does it go, what triggered the way I think and feel.  I've got some reasons, some incidents, some ways of dealing with things that are probably quite relevant to my current waistline, I guess time will tell if they really are, and maybe I can move on to a better future.  I know my issues are much more than just making bad choices from not knowing any better.  I do know better, I know how to read food labels, I know how to cook without adding fat, I know that a fresh salad actually tastes great and makes me feel good, I know what a portion of just about anything looks like.  But still my head says it's ok to order 2 meals from the chinese cause that'll save the delivery charge, then eat them together til I feel sick, it's ok to buy 5 packets of maltesers and eat them all watching the soaps on a Monday evening, it's ok to buy a family sized packet of crisps and empty the entire packet without even registering the eating part (funny how surprised I can be when I put my hand in and there's nothing there, same happens with maltesers) and surely everybody knows that if you open a packet of chocolate hobnobs, they go stale in under an hour and must be consumed instantly?
So here I am, eagerly looking forward to the new me emerging from under this fat suit I feel like I've been wearing forever - funny to note that I at least recognise, and have for some time, that I wasn't always fat, I just felt I was in my head, and I just grew into that person I always felt I was.  I know I need to work out my triggers, and work out strategies to deal with them.  Work stress is one of them, sometimes dealing with idiots drives me up the wall, and to the vending machine, I need to learn how to be a bit less bothered I think, at the end of the day (I so hate that phrase!) it's just a job, and it's much much less important than me and my future :)

And so to the end of the day.  I considered today that I needed to do something different at times I would normally be eating - pretty much most of the day then! - so, my break around 12ish (as it is to be known from here on in) I popped off to the shops to buy myself a little treat for this evening; a bathbomb.  I also got myself a mid year diary to log packs, water and general feelings (got some special smilie stickers too!) with a nice purple pen.  Came home and made up a chilli con carne pack, as I would usually "eat" later on.  It was ok, quite spicy.  Had a lovely bath with candles and my bathbomb, which gave me chance to reflect on day one.  I feel ok, it wasn't hell.  I don't feel amazing but I didn't expect to, didn't feel amazing yesterday so it's not like it's a feeling that's been squashed over the day.  Started to think about memories and where it could have all started,  it was an interesting journey in my head for a short while.  I now find myself heading towards bed, still with a pack to go, and generally not feeling hungry today.  I wonder what tomorrow will bring...