I am in love!

Totally in love with this plan, totally in love with the effects on me, totally in love with how I feel in my head, totally in love with the comments I'm getting already - my OH is very happy! I love it!

32 days in the bag and this really does not feel like any kind of plan that on the face of it has so much not in it.  With S&S I can have a meal if I want to, it makes it so much more flexible and liveable.  I'm amused with myself that my choices of protein have been fish - I really fancied a fresh tuna steak and have had salmon too.  I'm not a big fish lover normally, but it seems to fit the new me.  Funny, Pauline Quirke had the same compulsion with LLL.  I'm being careful of what I'm having when, and tracking all the calories.  I feel a bit brighter having vegetables, but that's probably just a head reaction.

So, losses so far - another 4lb to add to the total, which is 23.5lb in 4 weeks.  Very very happy with that.  My jeans are massive, last years winter skirts (which I bought after losing 3 stone, but put 1 of them back on) are falling off.  It's amazing!  I've got 4 dresses in my wardrobe that have never been out as they are too tight, all would be great for Christmas but I really do think they'll all be too big by then!  Might have a little try on today and see how they are looking!

I'm very happy.  I've got 3 days off work to do that decorating I mentioned before, need to clear out my spare room and have it all painted by the end of Wednesday - then on Saturday, the paper will be going up.  Can't wait!  It's all super exciting, not least of which is that I'm actually doing it after sitting on my backside and thinking about it for so long.  Brilliant!

A lot has happened since Saturday

Where to start, I should have perhaps posted a bit more often but I seem to be really busy, and I am really busy, clearing out cupboards, preparing for decorating, doing ironing, doing exercise.  Not my old "busy" of there being a lot on the tv I want to watch!

Sunday I went shopping with an old friend.  I told her about my plan, that I was happy with coffee if she wanted a cake, and the day just went.  Then I had a bit of a funny turn in M&S and got all shaky, felt very hot and very very weak.  Stupid me hadn't been drinking water and I'd got well and truly dehydrated.  I'd missed a food pack too as we'd just kept on shopping, and so felt pretty shocking.  Easy solved and soon felt reasonable again, but wow! That was a lesson learnt.  I really did think there was something quite wrong and I was in danger of collapsing.  No ill effects, but I've been more tired in the last few days so this may be connected.

Today is day 7 of s&s and I am seriously loving it.  I even had a "meal" on Monday night as it allows veg and protein as an option if you want, so I added in a salmon fillet and some green veg to my mushroom pasta (most of which fed the microwave as I wasn't watching it!) - it was like nectar!  I had some veg left, so last night I had macaroni cheese with leeks and brocolli.  Lots of people on the forums add in 200g of veg every day to bulk up the packs and are continuing to have good losses.  I'm planning to have some more tonight, cause I've got it in the fridge, then see what tomorrow's weigh in will bring.  It's also important tonight that I have some reading time, as Wednesday was my counselling night, and I really must keep this side of things up, otherwise my progress in this first 4 weeks could be lost.  I've taken delivery this week of the 5 a day monthly pack, on the recommendation from the minimins support site as the cheapest way to order.  Still having 4 packs a day, this gives an extra week for less than the cost of an extra week.  So, given it's 10 weeks to Christmas, I just need to order all that again, and I'm covered to the point I originally committed my head too.  Have to admit to being super excited about what I'll look like by then! 

Feels good to get it out there

I'm onto day 3 of my new plan - I've decided for many reasons to start up with Slim and Save.  The packs are so much nicer and considerably cheaper.  It suits me for now so I'll see where I get to with it.  The online support communities are great, so much information is out there to help and assist.  I'm continuing with the exploration of my head and are feeling good.  It's certainly not all straightforward by any stretch of the imagination but I am continuing forward to wherever that will take me - I am positive it's a much nicer place.

I think I've wanted to lose myself over the years, and hide behind the protection of being someone else so I don't have to face or deal with me.  After a while though, me starts getting a bit antsy and wants to see what's going on, then it all gets a bit frustrating with a bit of a battle til me is hidden once again.  I've taken a different approach now, stopped swallowing my emotions, recognising the adult way to deal with difficult situations and refusing to let me be hidden again.  I have the right to be me, and I actually quite like me, so why do I keep hiding?

There are some really tough decisions to be made, but one thing I recognise that I haven't before, is that it is right to take all the time I need to make them.  Quick decisions are often rash decisions with me that I regret and then immediately reverse.  What I need is the time to think things through, to consider all the options, all the consquences and come to the right decision in my own time.  Not hiding all that behind a big plate of Chinese takeaway gives me lots of space to think about it.

Oooh, I forgot about my weight loss this week (much like I keep forgetting to have my packs!) - another 4.5lb taking me to 19.5lb in 3 weeks.  I'm seriously seriously impressed with that - I've done that!  Week 4 and I'm looking at exercising, time to start the toning.

Massive decision day!

I'm feeling rather proud of myself today.  I've made two very big decisions today and I feel I've given them both due consideration and weighed up the merits before reaching a conclusion.  One of them is about my weight loss journey, the other one is a personal situation that has been bothering me (to say the least) for almost a year.  I've handled both of them in an adult way and said what I need to say about how I feel without getting emotional about it.  I was getting anxious before making a phone call I needed to make, but for the first time I actually recognised that for what it was, and not as a need for food.  It was quite refreshing to acknowledge that.

The other decision - I have decided that I am not getting what I expected from LL counselling.  The content itself is excellent and I'm really getting into the self help elements of it, but the actual group sessions are a bit of a let down to be honest.  Group members seem to come and go, they don't contribute to the session and talk about cheating with a little giggle before we've started.  I have no idea who most of these people are, there are only 2 others who have been there each time I have, and as much as I want to contribute (and do) I don't feel confortable as that bonding is impossible with such transience.  So, I'm changing plans.  I'm not daft enough to think I can do this alone - I don't think I can, but I do have all the tools to be able to succeed.  I've decided to follow a different vlcd that has a lively online support network and see how it goes.  I have lots of resources to call upon, and have a counsellor lined up for private sessions if I feel the need.  I feel much happier about it all now - both situations.  I actually feel like for the first time in an incredibly long time, I am in control of my life and my decisions are my own.

Another Sunday in the bag

I've not written anything for a few days.  On one hand that's quite good, cause progress is being made towards this being normal.  On the other hand, this is great therapy and good to read back to see how I'm getting on.  So, I think I should make a bit more effort.  What I have been making an effort on, is recognising what ego state I'm in at particular times and consider how I could have handled situations in a different way if I'd chosen a different ego state.  I'm feeling a bit wiped out, but that's nothing unusual I don't think, about 3/4 of my workplace has a stinking cold, so it's bound to come my way, although I don't feel like I've got one just yet, I have been a bit lightheaded at times.  Need to get used to trapped wind too, cause it don't half blooming hurt! 

Cleared out all my kitchen cupboards today, it was very theraputic and quite illuminating to find so much stuff out of date - it's not like my cupboards are very big and I only have a few of them.  I'm liking having clear surfaces and everything clean and tidy.  That's one good thing about having so much free time away from thinking about food, I'm getting loads done.  I want to move bedrooms (I've probably mentioned this already) but my spare room is just overflowing with everything that doesn't go anywhere else.  I feel ready to tackle it this week, I'm determined to have it all sorted for Christmas.  There is so much stuff in there I can sell, it'll probably pay for my new Primark spring/summer 13 wardrobe ;)

A kind of nothing day...

Really just a regular day today, nothing outstanding, nothing unusual, just a regular day.  Which, in itself is totally and absolutely amazing.  Today I don't feel like I'm not eating food.  Today is just normal.  I'm rather pleased with that.  Don't know if it's a pattern you settle into, if the TA is really settling my head down, if I'm just feeling contentedly pleased with myself or what really!  I do know it feels pretty amazing.  My hypochondriac me had a small moment early on this evening when I found a hard lump in my chest.  All was ok though, cause adult me quickly realised it was my breastbone!  Weird, never felt it before!  A further check and I found some more hard bits, I believe these are my ribs.  In a few weeks I might get to know what hips feel like too.  I'm now just 5lb over my lowest weight in 10 years, which is around 20lb more than my lowest weight in my adult life.  The thought that I can back there and beyond before Christmas is utterly thrilling.

And for once, my lovely fiance knows what to get me for Christmas - we'll be going clothes shopping.  When I was at my biggest I just wanted to fit into Primark clothes so I could go buy a new wardrobe full each month!  Now I'm heading that way I think (in my new forward planning outlook) that I will invest in a staple wardrobe of classics and I can throw in a few of the cheapies to ring the changes.  Still, once I fit Primark, it'll be cheap enough when I keep changing down the sizes I guess.  There's an ambition for you - to be clothed head to toe by Primark!!

Adult me is delighted, Child a little petulant

We're onto ego states, TA - have looked at this previously through work but never related it to food choices.  Really interesting stuff.  And of course, it's week 2 weigh in day.  So, here's how it went - I lost 4lb.  And here's what I think:

Nurturing parent - that's really good, I'm proud of you, it's great that you're taking this action to benefit your long term health, well done, you deserve a treat.

Critical parent - over a stone in 2 weeks, that's way too fast, you'll make yourself ill, you should have some proper food.

Adult - That's a good steady loss in line with the expectations of the plan, you're making real progress towards your long term goals.

Adapted child - Sorry it's not more than that, I should really make more effort next week and perhaps do some more exercise.

Rebellious child - *sticks tongue out* see, you said I couldn't do it, proved you wrong didn't I.

Free child - yippppppeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Clearly I've got a lot of work to do on learning and understanding more about TA and it's application in my LL journey (sorry for getting any of this wrong - that'll be my adapted child again!).  But it is fascinating, and it's answering so many of the questions I had when I began this journey, so much of my life is starting to make sense.  And proper sense, it's not excusing behaviours and choices, it's allowing me to realise why I've made the choices I have and how I behave.  Illuminating stuff.

Gosh, that's all very deep and adult.  After 40 odd years spent mainly as an adapted child that feels quite scary!

Talking is good for the soul

Today I've been chatting a lot to a friend about weight loss and weight gain.  He's the only person apart from my OH who knows I'm doing LL - well obviously everyone in my group does, my LLC and obviously you - but outside of LL I've only shared with 2 people and he's one of them.  He lost a lot of weight for his wedding, and in the year since he's gained it all back and is feeling very down about it - all of this I can relate to (apart from the wedding!) so today I've been counselling him with TA.  I didn't actually realise I was at the time, but on my way home from work I was thinking about it, and I was!  That's both amused and impressed me.  Already in week 2 I can see enough about choices made in child and parent states that I can give him the adult suggestion.

I did some running upstairs today, just because I could and it felt amazing.  I could also feel that my muscles were fatiguing in a different way to how they used to, wonder if this is the proper way, and perhaps before it was my head that decided I'd had enough.  I also thought today, oddly, that I don't know what hunger feels like.  I've identified that what I thought was hunger isn't, but I really don't know if I've ever been hungry.  That's appalling, and I am embarrassed to admit that!  One thing I do know though, getting this all out of my head and down on (virtual) paper is really doing me good.  I think I can recognise that I am an emotional eater at the very least and often I've swallowed my feelings with a multipack of crisps, it's great to get it all down here for me.  Long may this continue!

Biggest challenge yet...

Urgh.... she's arrived.  That awful relative of mine (and all us girls) who knocks on the door uninvited and barges her way in making me feel shocking.  Hello Auntie Florence, how wonderful to see you (not).  I kind of forgot how absolutely dreadful I feel when she arrives, it's all coming back to me now, and what makes me feel better?  Chocolate of course.  And cheese.  And pizza.  And everything else that comes under the category of food I really shouldn't look at if I want to have a healthful life.  I've got some pretty strong and effective painkillers from the doc that do the trick and have kept things at bay all weekend, but I forgot that day 3 is usually my worst in terms of pain and bloating and generally feeling like I want to drown in a bath of melted dairy milk.  So what did I do - not take a painkiller when I went to bed so I've woken up feeling bleugh.  To cement the bleugh, the scales haven't shifted since last night and I can certainly feel it.  I need my adult to be very loud in her reasonable voice today, reassuring me that all will be fine in a few hours, it will pass, and it's nowhere near as bad as it has been.  Perhaps she could start by telling me to stop weighing myself everytime I go to the bathroom (and given the water consumption, I've now got a pretty accurate picture of my weight fluctuations by the hour!).

Something else to be proud of when I get to the other end of today, I think that's a thought I need to hold on to for the next few hours at least.  I really should consider though, normally I'd be floored today, for the morning at least, I'd be sat in a salt water bath several times over then sleeping off the rest of the pain.  Today I'm functioning, a little uncomfortable but ok and at work doing my normal daily tasks - on week 2 that's some acheivement.  Whether that is down to the change in food intake, the change in weight (already) or the change in my head I don't really mind.  All I know is that the pain is real and I can feel it and it hurts, so however it's going is fine by me!  Just need to work on the pmt a little..... :).  A new phenomenon has hit, one that I never imagined I would get - today, I forgot to "eat".  Went for my midday walk, came back, got on with my work.  90 minutes later it occured to me I didn't make a soup.  To my other half, this would not be odd, but to me (and I suspect others just like me) who thinks of food before I've even got out of bed, who has no time do do things in the evening as food takes up so much of it, who's first response to any kind of emotional upset, and I mean any kind, is to reach for the junk - it's unthinkable to even contemplate forgetting!

And I've already got so much more time.  There are hours between finishing work and settling down for an evenings tv entertainment to do things.  I'm working my way through mountains of holiday washing and ironing, I've totally rearranged one of my rooms, and have plans to swap round my two bedrooms in the very near future (I call one of them the room of doom, so it's not the most straightforward of changeovers).  This weeks task between the washing and ironing is to clear out the kitchen cupboards - and I will be ruthless!  Loving the new me so far, and there is still much further to go!

Astonishing - I keep forgetting to "eat"

I've not posted anything for a few days, seem to have been quite busy just doing stuff I guess, but all is well in the world of ll.  In fact, all is very very well.  I had a small social event on Friday evening - treated myself to a "proper" coffee to take with me so I didn't feel left out from those purchasing their beverages from the (overpriced!) bar, and, talking of bars, took one with me and munched away.  It was fine, nobody noticed, nobody really cared!  Yesterday we went to the coast, it was my idea as a bit of a test I think.  I don't much care for fish and chips most of the time, but there is something about eating them fresh from paper looking out over the beach on a chilly autumn day that just can't be beat.  And then there are the fresh ring donuts...... enough about the food already!  Suffice to say, it was my test day.  And I'm very proud that I passed the test with flying colours. We even went into a pub where I was made a black coffee as they didn't sell bottled water or have hot drinks for sale - what a lovely lady to make me a nescafe.

So, considering Andrew had a hot, deliciously smelling Greggs sausage roll on the way, and all those temptations there, I think I've rightly earned my proud badge for the day.  I was however, entirely pooped when we got back, ended up fast asleep in front of the tv before 9pm, think the sea air wiped me out.

Sunday, we're here again.  My arm is much better this week, I should have no issue getting discharged from the fracture clinic on Tuesday, I've not worn my splint all weekend, bit naughty but it all feels fine.  Today I had decided I would move the furniture in my room ready for winter (I like to lounge on the sofa nearer to the wall heater in winter, but like the sun in summer).  I did it all, moved everything, cleaned everywhere, proper spring clean clean too.  The question has to be, if LL is bad for you, and you can't possibly function on 500 odd calories a day, where on earth did all that energy come from?  Next on the list are the kitchen cupboards.  When I first moved in here I liked to keep my kitchen surfaces clear, over the years (lol, only 4 of them) things have crept onto them as the cupboards have filled, so I'm having a total clear out - why exactly do I need cocktail glasses that have only ever had dust inside them - and will find a place for everything, actifry, slow cooker, veg steamer, all of which will be very useful tools in low fat/low gi cooking once I'm at that stage in my journey, but I want to get that minimalist look back, it's clean and organised and will be representative of my life going forward.

Day 8 - How very odd indeed

I got my week one weigh in last night.  I'll just keep you in suspenders a little while longer while I explain the oddness.  After being much like an excited Andrex puppy all day yesterday (I did manage to contain myself and didn't actually run round the office trailing toilet roll) I got weighed in and just thought yes, that'll do.  I'm very happy about it, but mainly kind of serene, basking in the glow of my achievement but in a very low key way.  Which is odd.  Maybe this is the adult in my being allowed to shine a little.  I like it, it's good, I need more of it.  And so to the amount.... 11lb.  Yes, 11lb.  I lost, in just 7 days, a total of 11lb.  That's seriously impressive, and I am impressed, but in a way that will look up from doing The Times crossword and give you a faint hint of a smile crossing my lips as you catch my eye over my glasses.... (I've never read The Times by the way, let alone considered doing the crossword, it all feels a bit grown up, maybe I'm starting to feel a bit grown up?).

And so to week 2.  I have bars.  I'm not entirely sure I'm safe to be let lose with bars, but I've purchased a few to see how it goes.  The one good thing, I've got a work function with lunch next week and was having a small panic about having to come clean (I'm doing this in secret for the time being, can't be doing with the armchair experts telling me how dangerous it is!) - should I take a shake, which would end up revealing all, should I take a shake and go have it in the loo, why on earth should I do that, should I take a soup and pray for hot water - but no, the bar has saved me, I'll just have a bar, easy to explain away without it looking a bit weird or needing to rely on things that might not be available.  I'm super excited to the possibility of losing a stone in 2 weeks.  The best I've done on other plans is being about a pound off after 4 weeks and then taking ages to finally whip off the other pound and get that certificate.  I'm also really quite excited that this might actually work, I've said before I'll probably need to see a month or so of decent losses before I'm convinced, but 11lb in one week has gone a good way to pursuading me. 

Had a work meeting this morning, one of the type that has biscuits provided.  Now, normally I'd sneak one in quickly whilst pouring my coffee, so nobody would notice (a free one so clearly the calories don't need counting) then there would be 2 sat on my saucer to go back to the table with.  Quickly polished off, then return for a refill of coffee and biscuits and go circulate so you're not going back to the same table with 2 more biscuits.  Arrive early enough at the meeting, and I reckon I could get into double biscuit figures before the meeting started.  But not today.  Today I had a coffee.  Then I had another coffee.  Then I drank my litre of water.  Then I filled it up.  I ran up the stairs to the loo (a few times after all that liquid) and had a surge of energy very alien to me.  Not complaining though, it felt good.  What felt REALLY GOOD though, and I seriously would not have ever expected in a million months of Sundays to be saying this - the sense of achievement and how proud I felt of myself for not having a biscuit.  Small things maybe, but those small steps eventually got us to the moon....

The end of the first week of my different life

It's Wednesday.  To say I'm excited would be a massive understatement.  I'm positively giddy at the prospect of what I may have acheived in week one.  I can't honestly believe either, that it's a full week since I last ate food - given the vast quantities I felt I needed in order to stay alive (how ironic) - I've put the fuel packs in and that's it.  And it's been considerably easier than I thought it would be.  I planned for pain and anguish and days of being a total mardymare, but on the whole it's been pretty good.  I've made a start on the TA stuff, starting reading some of the suggested books and made time for me, just me, to clear my head of the day to day and think about how I maybe found myself where I am now.  It's been very interesting so far and I'm sure there is more to come.  I'm itching to get on the online forum, but are waiting for my LLC to change my status on her system - why hasn't she done it yet!  I keep reading the posts on there and I'm dying to join in.

So, review of the week - the packs - they've actually all been ok.  I've read on the forums that there isn't much choice and there should be more cause they get a bit samey - someone suggested pizza!  Kind of missing the entire point of LL in my view - it's not food, it shouldn't look like food, it's fuel, in a variety of flavours and guises so we're not totally put off from being able to get it inside our bodies where it can go work it's magic.  Didn't much care for the porridge but having made it with more water than suggested, it's much improved, chicken soup doesn't have a great deal of taste for me, the others are preferable.  Tried all the shakes apart from banana, that's a big no-no for me.  Just got the summer berries to have tonight, all good so far and I love the vanilla.  Not too keen on chilli con carne but it's ok.

All in all, I'm pretty impressed with my first week.  It's a strange and odd thing to be removed from the pressures of eating, and I honestly didn't consider eating in that way before now.  Taking a step back from it, it's so easy to see how people like me who are so very easily pursuaded can overeat - food is everywhere, being rammed down your throat with advertising and special offers, huge pictures of delicious pasties - well they used to look like that but now I'm viewing them like Pauline Quirkes sausage roll explanation - smell lovely but really just fat flour and water mushed together and rolled round a piece of dodgy meat!

Day 6 - Brain fog and tiredness

I think I might not be drinking enough water.  I'm trying to do 2 litres a day measured with coffee and an odd glass or two on top of that, but I didn't quite do it over the weekend and failed miserably yesterday.  All of which leads me to conclude I'm dehydrated in a way I've not been before and it's affecting my brain!  Today I've had trouble stringing a sentence together, I can speak of course, but a word will just evaporate from my head in the middle of a sentence just before it is due to venture forth from my mouth.  And I'm tired, really tired.  So, google being your friend and all that.... I learnt today that mild dehydration thickens your blood a little, so it's harder work to get it round your body, using more energy, hence the tiredness.  So, that's good news then, I may have failed to provide enough flushing facilities, but at least I'll still be burning off some belly.  I've tried to make amends but I fear I may be doing that mending for a few days before I've caught up.  I feel ok, apart from the tiredness.  I'm sleeping very well and getting enough hours in, so it must be down to the water situation.

Well, it's week 1 weigh in tomorrow, wonder how I'll do.  I'm keen to know but also very nervous, I really want to see a difference with this plan so it'll need to be a big number for me - dare I even hope for double figures?  Clearly not every week, but I always get a decent number in week one on most plans - I need this one to be different!  I keep looking at my colourless flowers, I'm itching to give them some life!  Bought new pencils and everything, Crayola no less.  One thing though - wind - I think it's another feeling I've mistaken for hunger.  Trapped wind rolling round inside me.  I was thinking it was thirst rather than hunger cause I'm a bit dehydrated, so I've been watering it profusely, but to no avail and it's just got worse and worse and worse.  My head is saying it can't be hunger so it must be something else, and by bedtime, I'm in agony.  Swift rub of the chest and almost instant relief - so, mistaken bodily function feeling number 2 - it's wind, not a need for a McDonalds.

Day 5 - ooooh I say!

I think it's arrived!  The euphoria that is.  I dreamt of a helicopter crashing, it was a gentle flip into some water and nobody was hurt - don't know if that's at all relevant but it's notable for me because of the vibrancy of it.  Of course it's entirely possible the WY police helicopter was doing it's rounds close by at the time, but I do generally wake up when it does - annoying - but, I wonder, maybe the effect is more sounder sleeping rather than a nod to the amazing detail in my dream?

Anyhow, it started to kick in yesterday, I was so tired earlier on I couldn't keep my eyes open in the waiting room when I went for my scan but by the time I got home, the thought of a snoozy had all but disappeared and I even had a bit of a late night for me (almost 11!).  Had to get up once in the night to pay a visit, the curse of all this water, or maybe the flushing out of the last of the glycogen stores, but other than that, slept very soundly indeed.  Quite refreshing for a normally very light sleeper disturbed by the slightest sound. This morning I almost leapt out of bed (bit of a sore still fractured arm and dodgy knees taken into account...) with a level of waking energy I'm really not familiar with.  Jumped on my scales - naughty I know, but it works for me, totally unofficial cause I purposely didn't compare like for like to know how far mine are out, in an attempt to start breaking this unpleasant habit - and it's looking good!  Ketostix are darker so I know I'm using my belly to get me through the day.  That's an amazing feeling, I have become the ultimate self sufficient machine!

Felt good all day really, work colleagues had that Monday morning feeling and it didn't affect me or have me thinking what I'd done wrong.  I missed out on a meeting I should have been invited to, it would have had me heading for the vending machine seeking a friendly twix to tell my woes to a week ago - what honestly popped into my head today?  "Well, you've all lost out on my input today, some of which could have been valuable and improved your day" - that's a massive step forward for me, and long may it last!  I'm having a bit of an inner conflict though, with wanting to get up and on with things, and trying to get used to being a bit kinder to myself and allowing my body this first week to adjust to the differences I've just slammed it with.  I had a notion earlier to tackle the 6 flights of stairs, had a swift word with myself and took the lift - one for the future though I do think.  I'm a bit frustrated that I still can't get on the LL forums, I'm itching to add my bit and seek the advice of others, will have to email the support team tonight I think.  So for tonight, it'll be my first soap Monday without the support of a comforting pack of Maltesers or 4.  I'm not missing food, was thinking about it on the way home.  I'm curious to know more and do this in a speedy way.  Came across someone on the forums today who'd dropped 199lb since January - that's seriously impressive!