What day is it?

To be updated at some point soon.....

Day 8 - Who stole my day?

Cor, where has today gone!  It's almost bedtime and I don't feel like I've sat down, so, today is very brief.

Food:
Cookies & Cream shake
Chicken Soup
Dark chocolate truffa bar (old smaller size)
Cheesy pasta with swede cubes and wafer thin chicken
661 calories

Oh, and I lost 11.5lb in week one.  Wicked :)

Day 7 - a day of nervous pondering

Been a stressful funny sort of day.  Had a couple of tough work things to do today, but thought them through in advance with the benefit of my new small amount of knowledge of nlp, and whilst they were still pretty tough, I feel like I handled them a great deal better than I have done before.  However, I need to note that stress and a subsequent focus on the job in hand means I forgot to eat! It was gone half 11 when I got to wondering why I felt a bit wobbly - then I realised I'd not had anything!  Oops, that's not so great.

As a consequence I've felt a bit wobbly all day, probably more psychological than physical, but I succumbed to a little cheese when I got home.  Pleased I did this in a measured way - 35g and straight on the food planner :).  Tomorrow morning is weigh in - eek!  I really want to beat my week 1 from last year (I know, I'm repeating myself!) - it means a lot.

I am able now to recognise that I need to take my time to make decisions, and I'll reach the end of that process when I'm good and ready.  Had a weird thing happen today, it might be a marketing scam, if it is, then it's a darn good one - on a day I really needed something just like this - I got an email telling me somebody loves me, and wants me to follow an online adventure for 5 days before revealing who they are!  Intriguing to say the least.  Perhaps it's just because of where I am today, on another given day perhaps I would have marked it straight as spam.  Who can say, today it made me smile, and there's nothing wrong with smiling more :)

Evening update to log food - what an amazing couple of hours I've just had!  Something really very exciting indeed may be happening to assist my weight loss journey.  Can't say much just now but I am uber excited about it!  Guess the day wasn't so bad after all, I feel like I've been sprinkled with glitter :).

So, todays food:
Vanilla Shake (is this all starting to sound very familiar yet...)
Chicken soup
Cheesy pasta with swede cubes
Strawberry shake
35g cheddar
723 calories

I should just add - I have an awful lot of products in my cupboard, mainly bought when I was planning to maintain so I bought lots of the same of my favs - I've told myself I'll do a month on these before I go buying any more, so it's going to be a very boring list for a little while longer I'm afraid.

Day 6 - All is well with the world

I spent most of yesterday doing my studying, sent off an assignment for my weight consultancy course, and caught up on some much needed work on the NLP course I've signed up to.  I wonder if it's going to be the key.  I'm only on the introduction to NLP, have yet to start the practitioners course and it's fabulous, it makes so much sense and has so many practical applications in all area's of life.  I read a little quote the other day that fits well with the NLP - always seek to be a little bit kinder than is necessary.  The thing that struck me yesterday about the NLP is about how we view others - in a nutshell our brains get bombarded with so much information that it's impossible to process everything, so in order to "see" another person (as in what you think of them) - you have to have that particular "thing" in you in order to recognise it.  Makes sense to me and is perhaps a good time to reflect on why I think bad of some others sometimes - ok, quite often I guess - and that's me owning that information (another part of NLP!).

So, how does this apply to following a vlcd?  I think it does in many ways so far, and probably many more to come as I continue my study.  Not least of which is how I've previously reacted to my perception of other peoples posts - maybe we are too similar and can see those not so nice things reflected from ourselves and seek to be (naturally) defensive of our own position... anyhow, another old quote comes into play here "if you don't have anything nice to say... etc" - all food for thought if you'll pardon the pun.  NLP talks about responsibility and excuses - do you have things done to you or do you do things.  It made me really realise, and I say really realise as I already know this, but before it feels as though I recognised the package it came in, but now I've opened it up to see exactly what is inside - that I, and only I am responsible for making the decisions about what goes in my mouth and in how great a quantity.

Which is great news!  Because I am therefore 100% able to make all future decisions about what goes in my mouth.  Will I offend someone if I don't accept their piece of cake?  It's unlikely, but if they are, then do I really want to be accepting a piece of cake from someone who is so easily offended?  Another quote - and one of my absolute favourites - "Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission" - Eleanor Roosevelt.  That says so much, and I think now that I really know what that means.  My decisions are made by me.

And so, back to the vlcd.  I only realised this evening when I got home that today I've not had any coke zero, not only that, I didn't even think about it, not only that, I even went to the shop for a bottle of water and didn't even think about it.  Go me!

I think we actually might be making some decent progress.  I think I should give myself a little smile :)

And then...... after a really great day does a wacking great mackerel come and smack you right across the face, just when you were least expecting it.  Nothing diet related, a personal thing, but it's entirely possible it was a terminal mackerel and it's also entirely possible that I'm ok with that too.  Of course I may still be more than a little bit annoyed/let down/disappointed/really very angry... we'll see, some time is required here at the very least I think.

Todays food -

Vanilla shake
Chicken soup
Cheesy pasta with swede cubes and leek
Cookies and cream shake
591 calories.

Day 5 - Sunday - Danger Point!

I planned for today to be over on calories, I planned to have more food today.  I did this because Sundays have proved to be my downfall.  I'm usually on my own after dropping Andrew off to go home in the morning, so maybe it's boredom or cause I'm a bit down or just because I'm greedy and I'm looking for an excuse.  Being on my own can't really be the issue, cause I'm on my own Monday to Thursday til her turns up again on Friday evenings.  Guess I'm just a greedy pig.

Anyhow, to break this and take charge, I decided today could be extra calories, or at least extra volume of lower calories, but within the carb limit, and not too far over calories cause I'm doing great so far.  So this is how it went... Breakfast was an oatmeal pack, all fine and dandy.  Then I had a notion to have swede cubes with a processed cheese slice melted over the top of them.  It was ok, nothing to get excited about, and to be absolutely truthful, a waste of calories!

Decided tea would be swede cubes again (they are my saviour veg!) with leeks - did them both together in the actifry, gave pretty good results.  Then a 70g pack of honey roast ham and 45g of grated cheddar.  All this with a cheesy pasta pack.  It was too much.  Way too much.  But, as a lesson to learn, I ate it all, and felt bloated and sick and bleugh.

So, it's not far from 9pm, I've had 2 packs and all that other guff and have had 592 calories.  I will have a shake in a mo too - so that'll be taking me over 700 for today.

In comparison to my "regular" days intake - tiny.  On a VLCD - a waste of way too many calories that could have been had on something nicer.

2 more full days to go then it's week one weigh in.  My aim right now - to do better than I did on my very first week ever on a VLCD - so I need 11.5lb to top that - BIG ask!

Only day 4?

A strange thing has happened, I was absolutely sure I had started back on 100% on Tuesday, so today is a decent way through the week, my progress downwards on the scales (I know, I know, one obsession at a time!) is pleasing. Then I logged yesterday's packs on mfp and was looking back over the week so far - only to find nothing logged for Tuesday - a check on here, and indeed, I only started Wednesday - wow! I even told Andrew last night I'd been on since Tuesday, perhaps I have keto brain! I was shocking him by telling him his pizza last night contained 2 full days of calories for me on this plan.

I am focused and motivated and on it.  Long may it continue!

Cookies and cream shake

Cottage pie

Cheesy pasta with 200g of diced swede/mushroom/leeks and 30g grated mozzarella 

576 calories :)

Day 3 - Early start to a long day

A funny thing has happened.  I looked in the fridge this morning as I was getting my water out and thought that I should throw away the eggs and bacon in there (from last weekends low carbing).  I had planned for this weekend to also be low carb rather than vlcd but this morning I don't want to do that.  This is cracking - three days of thinking like this!  It's right back at the beginning once again and long may it last.

Without wishing to pre-empt anything, as this is only day 3 after all - a sneaky peak on the scales would suggest ketosis has arrived and I know I've dumped an awful lot of water.  As much as I am really trying not to be judged by my scales, it still seems that their approval is still very much needed in my life.

Seems I've wooshed into the zone, need to tie myself down right here to make sure I don't just woosh straight back out again.  Things to keep me here - 224 days to holiday! Lol, I'm more than a little excited about it, normally we book really close to going, so there isn't that anticipation and build up, and even though we know we are going in, say, July, it's not the same as having the flights and everything already booked.  Next year we're being joined by friends - so far 6 of us, maybe more to come.  Can't wait!  And for that - I am NOT going to feel like I'm busting out of my beachwear! I intend to hit my target ready for Christmas, which gives me 6 months to work on the fitness and toning (and to allow for a couple of months where I'll just be sitting on my bottom if I get to have this op).  Ooh!  We have a plan coming together!

Caramel shake 

Chicken soup

Mushroom pasta with diced swede and mushrooms

New raspberry shake

Total calories 578

:)

Day 2 - Hyperdrive already!

Ah wonderful - blogger is working again.  Could only manage the title earlier on and nothing else.  Probably a darn good thing as it would have been a very long one with that old hyperdrive thing going on I think.  Anyhow, we're at the end of day 2, I still have a pack to go, I feel like I've had loads as I did extra swede cubes this evening (forgot the weight is very different raw to cooked, yesterday I weighed 200g raw weight, so today I just finished the packet!).

I'm still as excited as I was yesterday, so that's two full days on the trot of feeling as determined as I did right back at the beginning.  I want to bottle it and rub it all over me again if it starts to waiver.  I did even have a thought tonight that it would be so much easier just to eat whatever it is I want to eat, but this is about so much more than just my weight and what I look like.  It's also about what I feel like - physically - and I feel so much better with a low level of carbs.  I'm really struggling with my gynae stuff at the moment (seeing the consultant in a little under 3 weeks) and pretty sure I have adhesions interfering with my sciatic nerve.  The pain down my left leg goes through to my ankle on some days and at best is mightily uncomfortable.  It's a whole lot worse when I eat bread, so it's plain and simple really isn't it?

I've started up a countdown to Christmas weight loss challenge at work.  I was asked to do it by a few people, and it's a great focus and good practice for me to get back to my studies that I've been neglecting since my holiday.  It makes me very proud to be able to give dieting advice to others, and when I stop to consider that a year ago I was so big, it really means a great deal that others look to me to seek that advice.  It's a huge buzz and a privilege.

So, todays food - no imagination here - same as yesterday but with an extra 13 calories of swede!!

Actually... think I'll do a cold shake before bed rather than a hot chocolate today, ring the changes and all that...

Cookies & Cream Shake x 2
Chicken soup
Cheesy pasta & swede cubes
610 calories :)

Day 1 - Second time around

Been messing about for long enough, in keto, out of keto, in keto, out of keto.  Been a stressful time all around with the rest of my life and I've allowed it once again to become the focus rather than accepting that life will always bring stress, and really it's the reaction to that stress that could probably be worked on.  Tried half heartedly to follow different things over the summer, but had an epiphany last night, lots of things fell into place and it just seemed the right time to get on with it.  I fully intend to have reached my target and followed the re-feed before Christmas is upon us.  What's different I don't quite know, other than to say that it feels different, it feels like the focus I had just over a year ago when I started this journey.

Some things I need to accept, and this has been difficult.  I am considerably lighter than I was a year ago, and considerably smaller.  I have a way to go, but it's not a great big huge long way to go.  I am comfortable in 5 sizes smaller than I was.  That is some achievement.  I need to acknowledge that and allow myself to be proud of how far I've come.  It's really hard to do so, cause my head doesn't feel a bit of difference to when I was at my biggest.  Weird that, I can see the difference, it's so much its entirely obvious, but I can't feel the difference.  Wonder if I ever will.  Perhaps I just need to accept where I'm at and get on with the rest!

I'm scared to death that tomorrow I'll not be bothered again, but then again I owe this present to myself and it's not one I can ask anyone else for.  I need somewhere to log my daily intake after tracking, to make me somewhat accountable for that.  So, sorry, little bit different from before, there will be a list of packs each day, and perhaps nothing more on some days, but we'll see how it goes.  I've weighed in this morning, and may weigh in each week, not sure yet, the weight thing isn't all that important - it's how I look and how my clothes fit me that means so much more - so the task here is to get into a pair of jeans and be able to sit comfortably in them.

Todays packs:

Vanilla shake
Chicken soup
Cheesy pasta (with 200g diced swede)
Chocolate shake

Total of 586 calories :)

Day 8 - Monday - what to do?

Got up all bright and breezy and ready to go.  Then considered I'd done 3 days, perhaps today should be a shred rest day.  Also considering from a 5:2 perspective that I may do a fast day today.  I think fast days will be 500 calorie fast days rather than nothing at all, that might be a bit too far for me - however, for a 24 hour fast, I've already done 11 hours since food, so perhaps it is doable - we'll see.  I've put far too much pressure on myself in the past about what to eat and what not to eat, then just feel even guiltier when I "can't manage it" - I know now that it's not a case of that at all, it should just not be a big deal. It may feel incredibly liberating to do the 24 hours, I'm not sure.  Perhaps I should plan a bit better for doing that, not just do it on a whim, and eat my "evening" meal the previous day a little bit earlier, say 4.30pm, then I can get home from work and tuck straight in!

And, I've just noticed, I'm typing this with amazing posture! Small things, but that's a good one, my back and core are getting stronger :)

Day 7 already...

Seems I've had a lot of page views today.  I've no idea who my audience is, guess that's the mystery of blogging!  Anyhow, having looked at todays very long and rambling post, it was a bit of a random waffle that went on far too long really!

So, given I don't know who's reading this, and what you may or may not take from it, I pressed delete. Something has changed today, and somehow putting down how I feel about things and then not knowing who is reading it just doesn't sit very comfortably any more.  Think I'll stick to more fact based stuff for the time being :)

Today was day 7 of the shred, I've had my rest day on day 4, so I've done level 1 6 times.  I feel one heck of a difference in my strength and stamina already, which has surprised me a great deal.  I've made some excellent choices for my future today too, and are feeling happy and confident I'm doing the right things.

That's it, enough said.  Back soon :) 

Challenge Day 3

Ouch!

Woken this morning a little stiff but not anywhere near what I expected, got straight onto day 3 and really made an effort with the ab work, I've always struggled to engage my abs since having a huge dermoid cyst removed when I was 20, as the scar goes all the way down my rum from belly button to nunny, cutting my abs in half. So today I really focused. Now it's just 10 minutes later and I'm showered and in pain! Oooooh, those abs are hurting. I shall just keep thinking bikini, and the decreasing amount of belly bounce when I'm doing the jumping jacks.

I feel a little bit proud this morning, I just about kept up, and already on day 3 can feel a difference in my stamina.  Expect I may feel differently once I've attempted the stairs!

Challenge Day 2

Just a quickie for this morning, will write more later. Woke begrudgingly this morning and hit snooze, not very often at all I do that, the night seemed to go by very quickly. Guess that's what happens when you actually sleep through it! Had a bit of a battle with my rebellious child not wanting to do the shred this morning, even arguing with me that I could still do some exercise, just not that PLEASE. Lol, I did it anyway.  When I woke my quads felt a bit tight, my pecs a little sore, but otherwise all ok.  I did the shred and it was tough, my left knee squealed a bit, which is the point I would normally pack it in.  I didn't, I worked through it and modified for a minute til it eased then carried on.

Small things, but I feel super proud :). 28 more mornings to have this same battle I guess before GI Jane emerges all buff and shiny :)

Oh my!  Talk about not getting it!  Of course, I did all that exercise yesterday and again this morning without leaving the flat, and the nature of a flat - it's flat.  In order to get to work this morning I had to go down my regular two flights of stairs.  And there we go - BAM! - pain!  Clearly walking on a flat surface is easy peasy, actually needing to use some muscles to go up and down stairs - virtually impossible.  So I didn't get away with it after all.  Sitting down has hurt all day long, going for a pee - ouchy, loo's just a little bit too low and no handles to hang on to (not that they would have been very helpful with my screaming pecs too!).  And I've been like a furnace all day, after a year of no exercise it feels like I've really stoked the fire and revved it up to mid-winter, I've been boiling hot all day long. 

All of that is great news really, pain means I'm doing it right apparently, and I definitely need to be ramping up the fuel burning cause there is a little too much going in at the moment.  I'm aware of it, but also aware how my head works and I'm not giving it the excuse of not eating enough and feeling faint when I exercise just so I can pack it in, so it's getting what it wants for the time being, I'll cut back again when my stamina improves - Jillian reckons I should feel amazingly different by next week - we'll see.  Either I'll be heading rapidly towards GI Jane, or I'll be exercising my finger in turning the dvd on while I lay immobile on the sofa :).  Tired now, not 10pm yet, need some sleep.  So totally hope I'm not terribly stiff in the morning, want to do it all again.  In fact, I could do it now - but I won't!

 

Challenge Day 1

It's bank holiday Monday and I'm all set.  In fact I'm itching to get started.  But first things first, it is a bank holiday and I do live in a flat, wouldn't be the best neighbourly thing to do to start stomping around on the second floor at this early hour.  So, time for some more prep.  Yesterday I put the jeans on I want to fit properly.  When they do, they will be my measure - I'm really not fussed what the scales say, how I look and feel is far more important.  I know right now from eating carbs I feel terrible, and I know from the extra few pounds I've gained that I look puffy too and my clothes are feeling tight.  So, that's a much better measure for me I think.  They are a Primark size 14 and right now I can get them on, I can't sit down in them and I can barely breathe, but they go on and do up.  Andrew took some pictures of me in them yesterday - they are now on my fridge under my 30 day challenge chart ready to colour in!

All that said, I have lost a little focus on where I've come from, sometimes I just need to remember that - it's less than a year, 11 months to be a bit more precise, since I was squeezing myself into a skirt that I can now pitch and sleep under, I've tried it on again this morning just to remind myself, and I've also taken my measurements this morning - I have a Rosemary Conley magic measure with my original measurements on, in a moment I'm going to compare and hopefully be all inspired and proud all over again....

Are we ready...  under bust today is 35", originally it was 46".  Gosh!  I've lost almost a foot off my boobs! Waist today is 36", originally 47" so 11 inches gone.  Wow! Even my thighs have shrunk by nearly 6 inches each, 3 inches off my arms.  Wow, again, sometimes it's very powerful to forget that and be so surprised with that reminder.  I'll plot all these stats on a spreadsheet, wonder if I can do a graph in human shape, a pie chart doesn't really seem appropriate ;)

In total, this morning, I am 65 inches smaller than I was when I started.  I will have to use that word again - WOW - I am inspired.  Funny how our heads work though isn't it, a year ago I could just about squeeze myself into a stretchy size 22 from Primark, and now I'm fitting into their size 14 jeans.  I should add that I'm not particularly aspiring to be a Primark model or anything, it was just a little thing I had when I was bigger that if I could fit into Primark I could have a new wardrobe every week!  I also squeezed into a Monsoon 22, I could probably afford a new wardrobe with them every decade, and to be honest, the Primark clothes would probably last longer.  But my head forgets all that, even though I know it, I still feel fat and bloated and a long way from target.  Which is why, I think, that my target should be that pair of jeans.  When I can wear those with comfort, without a muffin top, and can sit down, kneel down in them, then I will be there.

So what's the plan - exercise.  I suspect I may overdo it today and then not do anything tomorrow, but I really need to do a little something every day.  I am going to attempt Jillian Michaels 30 day shred, I have no idea if I'll be able to keep up with it, my current fitness is pretty shocking, but it's got to be worth a shot, I have got to be worth that shot.  It's only half an hour a day, surely I can spare that for a new shape by my holiday?  I also have the cross trainer, and the vibroplate, my wii with zumba and several different dance games as well as wii sports - I should do boxing each day, it's a great stress reliever aside from the fitness benefits.  So, lets see how it goes.  Food wise - I'll just suck it and see, I'll feed myself enough for the exercise and make my main meals wholesome and nutritious.  Aside from that - well, no pressure, I don't want feeling faint or hungry to be an excuse for not doing a days exercise, but I won't be overeating on the wrong stuff cause I know how bad that makes me feel.

Eek!  Here we go!  Wish me luck.  I'm almost 42, the best exercise I was good at in my school years was finding a place to hide with a packet of crisps til the cross country route came back round again and I could join the back.  I'm not a natural athlete hahahaha, couldn't be further from that, I've never been fit, so this could be the start of something quite remarkable!

**Evening update**  Well, it's just occurred to me - 65 inches is 5'5" - I've lost as many inches round as I am tall.  That's just bonkers!  I did day one of the shred, I even managed to keep up for most of it, I was a little slow getting up off the floor on occasion, but did most of the jumping jacks without any accidental damage either.  Gosh it was tough, I didn't use handweights for this first go but still I could barely lift my arms afterwards!  Got the bug though, and did 10 minutes on the vibroplate later on, light toning exercises on level 7.  Then I did 20 minutes zumba on the wii.  I feel great.  I expect tomorrow I'll feel dreadful!  My plan is to do something before work, cause then I will have done it, and if I don't do anything else all day, at least I'll have done something!  Probably it'll be the shred, not sure what to do though, will have to check it out - do I just keep on doing level one til I'm ready to move up?  Should it be 10 days on each level?  Think I'll have to go google :)

30 day challenge to sit down in my jeans

I have a plan, I know, I've had these plans before then life goes and gets in the way. I'm not sure I should look at it like that, or whether life is just a great excuse for a binge every now and again. I certainly feel like a very different person to a year ago, and I certainly feel like I know much more about myself and my food relationships than I did then, but I'm starting to wonder when the time will come when I've done enough research! I know I'm an emotional eater, I know I crave carbs even when they make me ill, I've researched all that very thoroughly indeed.  I've been thinking for a while about doing something different, seeing what it's like, what else am I actually capable of - cause I never believed I was capable of this level of weight loss. And in the grand scheme of things I've pretty much maintained the loss I got to (I have added a good few pounds on top of the keto gain, but overall I've not put on anything like I have in the past). So what can I do different? 

Exercise.  I've always hated it, always avoided it as much as I could. But I wonder if I could do it now. I'm going to give it a go. I can do S&S when the weather is cooler, I do it last year through to Christmas and did it very well indeed, and so I will go back to do 100% when I return from holiday (yes, another holiday, yes, another holiday to Içmeler), and until then I am going to tone. Gillian Micheals will be my new guru, and I've found a new wii dance game I didn't even know I had. Add to this the cross trainer and vibroplate and I should be well on the way to buff by the end of September. I need to remember that I bloat terribly on the heat, so I need all these clothes to be a bit on the big side to allow for that :)

Right, best go get some beauty sleep, I'm needing plenty ;)

Guess what I just realised!

This is nuts. A thought entered my head today and then blossomed like a sunrise, entirely illuminating everything in a slow beautiful all consuming way.  I have no idea where it came from, or if I've had it before and ignored it, but it's so simple and so incredibly life changing too.

It's ok to eat.

There you go, it's as straightforward as that. It's ok to eat. I am an adult, I make my own choices, and if want to eat something, then it's absolutely fine for me to do that. I really needed to give myself that permission, to lose the naughty or rebellious child desire to stuff as much food in as possible before getting caught and being in trouble, to stop the guilt of overeating. I know, in full and graphic detail, where my food choices lead - choose carb heavy and my body feels poisoned, choose less carbs and it starts to wake up again.  Surely I can trust myself to choose in the full knowledge of what happens afterwards?

The short and long is, I don't like this bloat, I don't like how I feel, I don't like the pain and the discomfort, I feel dreadful. I feel better if I eat less, if I choose lighter carb options. I feel better without the bloat.

So there we are, I have a choice, and I choose to make my own decisions with my own free will, without guilt and with full understanding of what happens next...

(And what happens next is I stick with my plan to be back with vlcd by mid October)

:)

Creating headspace to learn from

I had my little break. Still having from the S&S pages. Spent a lot of time thinking things through and wondering why I was so affected by the negatives thoughts and opinions of people that really don't matter to me. I've concluded that its because of the bullying behaviour, took me right back to all those years of putting up and shutting up and not being able to stand up and fight. With hindsight it's easy enough to spot a bully - or perhaps they should be referred to by their new cyber identity of being trolls. Nice when others are looking, but digging away with snidey remarks waiting for an explosive reaction, then going back to their poor me, it's not me it's them sympathy card. Bullies the world over play the same pattern regardless of the media they use. And people like me get sucked in each time, and are far more affected than we should be.

I now intend to look upon those people with a view of sympathy. A view that considers their own low self esteem that can only be increased by making others feel worse than they do about themselves. These are the ones in most need of the support of others I think.  I've had a really hideous week, it's been so bad in all areas because of how I let this affect me, and I'm not prepared to let that happen again just to make someone else feel good.  I have however, been able to conduct an intense experiment into the effects of carbs and stress on my body, I've really taken that to the outer limits and beyond! In the last few days of over eating I've called upon Dr Beck and considered carefully how I feel after eating my foods of choice in the quantities I have chosen. The answer is quite simply - shocking.  I wonder how many times I am going to conduct this particular experiment before I'm convinced of the findings.  Carbs make me feel like garbage. I am lethargic but can't sleep a full night, I have bags under my eyes, my skin is dull, my hair brittle. My knees hurt all the time, so do my wrists, I have trigger finger throughout the day, I have spots and dry patches side by side, my skin itches.  I have painful bloat by the afternoon every day and feel sick when I eat. But worst of all - burning awful painful heartburn, not had that at all since starting S&S. oh, I also have excema back on my hands.  I had none of this with low carbing.

So, what is the way forward? I still want to lose this extra stone, but I think the time is not right for a vlcd right now. I need to know that I can have control with regular food, and I need to stop this emotional cycle of poisoning myself with carb heavy crap. Is important I think to feel substance for now and to get a handle on snacking, so I've bought food I need to cook, proper meals, lower the snacks and work back from there when I am confident I'm under control. If Andrew doesn't get the Russia job, we're going to have a late week in Içmeler at the beginning of October, so my aim is to return to vlcd after that and get this last daft hanging around where it's not wanted stone done and dusted by Christmas.  So, lets get to it, chargrilled veg and hunters chicken on the way :)

Entirely disillusioned with my fellow humans

Well, what can I say. Time after time I seem able to see only the best in people to then be let down.  So very sad, but probably very naive of me to think that just because someone has caught the same bus I'm on, that they share the same destination as me. Or that they chose to get on that bus for the same reasons as me.  

I've decided tonight to withdraw my entry from the S&S competition, it's already turned into a back biting fight by people confusing opinion with fact.  There are some folk out there that could do to spend an hour in the shoes of someone else, and go shopping in them to the compassion store to stock up in bulk.  I guess it's just a reflection of life, but it's been a shock to me how awfully (and I do mean awfully, not just as a posher very) competitive some people are, and how many others don't understand just what a huge thing going public with their very personal journey is for some.  The me me me has saddened me.

I think this may be my last blog for a while, and I think it's time for a break from those people.

Let the voting commence (and blessed greetings for Lammas Day) (and eh up lass for Yorkshire Day)

1st August. I think I knew 4 years ago that 1st August would be a significant day, it was the day I decided to have two tiny hearts tattooed on the inside of my wrist. It's Yorkshire Day, the county of my birth and where I've lived for much of my life, and it's Lammas Day too - the Pagan festival to worship the nature Gods and hope for a good harvest. It would be normal to make an offering of bread and wine today - I shall have to consider a ketogenic vlc alternative!

But, for this year, 2013, 1st August has a whole other huge massive scary smiley jump up and down with joy so very nervous rambling a bit now significance. It's the day my weight loss story (along with 33 other brave souls) goes live to the very big worldwide platform that is Facebook.  Me, overweight Nicola, failed dieter Nicola, yes I'm trying another wacky eating plan Nicola, is telling the world how bloody proud I am of what I've achieved with Slim & Save.  With pictures too! I am so excited, and so nervous.  It's a competition, and 3 of us will win an iPad.  But it's so not about that - I'm not just saying that now cause I won't win, preparing my oh well they deserved it more face - genuinely this is so much bigger and so much more significant than winning an iPad. This is telling the whole world that I have successfully lost weight, that I have achieved such a massive thing for me (no pun intended!). This is really the start of my new life, one where I value my achievements in all things, one where I am comfortable with me.  One where I can stand up and do karaoke and not care a stuff if I'm out of tune cause I'll just be having a good time, one where I can just pull a face if someone points a camera my way instead of getting the angle right to minimise chins/arms/suck stomach in etc.

Right now I could cry, with excitement I think, but nervousness too, and more than a little anticipation.  Gosh it's so strange!  So, lets raise a glass of Coke Zero to all of us who have changed our life's with S&S, the ones who have entered this time round - and most of all, the ones who didn't quite feel ready to go public just yet.  Nothing would give me a warmer feeling than knowing that reading my story has helped someone else feel a little bit prouder of what they've done too.  Apart from peeing in a wetsuit, that gives a warm feeling I'm told, and now I can get in a wetsuit I wonder if I'll ever get the urge to try that out ;)

Day 6 of Simplicity - kind of....

Didn't make it back to update on Monday. I did the packs, think I did 4, but Monday seems like such a blur already. Monday turned into probably one of the very worst days of my life.  I don't think the details are ready for blogging, don't know if that is "yet" or "ever" but my life as I know it has changed. Anyway, this isn't supposed to be about other stuff, this is about my weight loss journey so it's probably best to stick with that and just say that my previous me (and my recent me) would have looked for help deep in the carb cupboard. I didn't do that.  I stuck to the plan.  And in the midst of all this going on around me I have made probably the most enormous step forward in my whole entire life.

Ok, all that sounds very deep, and I guess without the exact context of the circumstances it could be a little dramatic, but lets just keep the faith that I might just have cracked the emotional response trigger! I'm wondering when to do the official weigh in, I've always done Thursday morning as a rule, but I started my pack challenge on Friday, ooh the decisions I'm faced with lol.  I do know its Wednesday (progress there then!) and I'm already showing a significant difference on the scales. I can't pretend to be surprised on weigh day really, I am a daily weigher and then some. Don't see a huge issue with that really, I'm not looking for approval from that little patch of bathroom floor, instead I am genuinely curious about the daily fluctuations of my weight, and all that is particularly ok now my goal is not about what those scales say.  And, if you are stuck in being a slave to the harsh word of the bathroom scale, try going before and then immediately after a significant "sit down" to lighten the mood and laugh at the daftness of it all!

So, back to today, I'm up fairly early again, got stuff to be getting on with, long day at work.  Will take my extra packs with me so I can have them rather than be tempted elsewhere and will be back home in 12 hours or so.  Two day target now - stick with the plan, it's going great. Wearing my Next shift dress today - already it fits marvellously.  Can't bottle that :)

The start of a new week

I survived the weekend, in the flat by myself with a decent degree of temptation here, but I ignored it.  My target was to to complete 3 days just with packs.  I did that in the main - added some wafer thin ham and grated Parmesan to cheesy pasta twice, but overall I'm fairly pleased that that is a good result.  It's been months since I did any number of days just on packs.  So, I need another target:

Get through Monday on a max of 5 packs with added protein tonight.  

That sounds quite generous but I have noted that I have more triggers at work. At home I can control the environment, I can put Andrews food out of sight and not have tempting things here. At work I can't have that amount of control. I am surrounded by skinniest who munch all day long on garbage - doesn't seem fair does it, but I bet their cholesterol is higher than mine! So, generous but still on plan progress target.

Will return later to report in... :)

Another post already? You only did one yesterday.

Woke this morning full of beans.  Metaphorically speaking of course as beans are loaded with carbs.  Actually I didn't wake full of beans, my kitten did, and some of that has rubbed off on me.  Or more likely it's been scratched into the surface of my skin all over my entire body.  She's a kitten, a tiny one at that, and is absolutely the bounciest little creature I've ever come across.

This is relevant - put the kettle on, I'll get to it...

Molly has lived in her new forever home for 3 weeks.  She was a very small 8 week old when she arrived, very loving and quite serene, purred a lot and loved cuddles.  So, on the surface she seemed to be a happy little kitten.  The morning after she arrived it was abundantly obvious that she wasn't very well, her eyes and nose were snotty and she spent the morning sneezing.  She was still all those other things I'd seen on Friday night when she arrived though.  By Monday I had her to the vets, cat flu was suspected, and a course of antibiotics and eye drops was prescribed.  Now, I'm not kidding you, within half an hour she was an entirely different kitten.  She was a bundle of bouncing happiness, and she's got bouncier and bouncier every single day.  So, I guess from Molly, it can be learnt that an outside appearance can give a misleading impression of how one actually feels inside.  She must have been feeling dreadful, but in her short life she didn't know she could feel any better, so made the most of what her life was and just got on with it the best she could.  I have two other cats, and anyone who has cats will know it takes a little time for a newbie to be accepted - Molly was such a hurricane of energy that it took her a couple of weeks to not be hissed at.  The moment my old Taz allowed her to sit next to him - honestly, the joy was oozing out of her, she was so happy!  It was a moment for me that brought home how every single creature is capable of emotion, and to see such happiness in a tiny kitten was quite something.

Which brings me back to my own journey.  One of the difficult parts of it I think, is the difference I feel in myself and about myself.  I've been this relatively happy person for a long time, on the outside anyhow, but now I feel that on the inside too and I'm bouncier than I ever was.  That must be a bit strange to see.  People who have been in my life for a very long time must find it a bit odd to see and hear this person - the voice is the same and she looks a bit like she used to, but gosh, she looks very different and she bounces in a totally different way!  It's my journey through my choice, but it's also a journey that I've enforced on those around me.  I didn't discuss this with them before I started (my OH excepted, we did talk at length about going on a vlcd), I just enforced this change on them.  That must have been quite weird for them.  And, a time that I've not appreciated really.  I am quick enough to say that my journey has been life changing, it has, in so many ways (I'd like it to change my career too, but I'm working on that bit!) but it's also been life changing for those around me, and I don't think I've given enough thought to that.

I've taken my time to get used to the new me, my head is still catching up, and I still don't believe I'm actually not fat anymore.  But what about everyone else.  They can see the difference, and that's what they need to get used to, their journey of acceptance is different to mine, and it's not one of their choosing.  I guess for some of them it would feel natural to be worried about it, to be concerned that we've changed so much so quickly - surely there must be something wrong with us that we can't bring ourselves to share?  They may feel threatened by us, not in a violent way of course, but it may undermine the relationship dynamics, and perhaps they'll feel a little left behind if they can't match your bounce anymore.

Perhaps I should remember to bounce less at times :)

It's time for something positive

And so here I am again.  I really should write this more often, which I think, ironically, is the thing I've written most often on here.  I've just spent an hour reading through all my postings, it was a nice reminder of how far I've come, a little teary one at times, and an embarrassing one at others.  When you read through right from the start again you can tap into that original motivation, that hope and wonder of a fat girl wanting to change her life for the better. It's easy to get lost on the way, and do that human thing of focusing on all those posts about coming off plan, not giving a fig for a day or two, but really it should be about the fantastic achievement overall.

I felt more than a little sad reading about my euphoria at getting into a New Look size 16 - bless me!  That seems so long ago, and that euphoria has just become something that happens instead.  Why did I stop celebrating?  I guess when you've had a lifetime of not achieving personal goals, maybe it feels a bit conceited to keep on celebrating - I don't know, but I do know that I should be massively proud of what I've done.  I'm putting together my entry for the S&S Ipad competition this weekend and so got to looking at some old pictures once again.  There is one of me and Andrew, about 2 days after we met, and I remembered one almost identical from our April holiday - put the two together and what a blooming difference!  We've been together for a smidge over 3 years now, and I'm 7 stone lighter!  That's nuts, what's not to celebrate about that.

I have also reassessed (again!) where I want to be.  I've refocused my goals at long last away from what the scales say.  My goal are now about how I feel, how my clothes fit.  To achieve them I need to lose some more weight, but the weight loss is the journey to achievement rather than the achievement if that makes sense.  It's like learning to drive I guess, the goal is to pass your driving test, the goal isn't to have 27 driving lessons is it?  So my goal is to fit comfortably into a size 14 outfit of structured material all day.  That takes away the "yes it's a size 10 but it's jersey" issue out of my head, cause I can't work out that I'm not a 22 anymore cause I can actually get into a size 10, my head says it's not a 10 cause it's stretchy.  So, I know I bloat up terribly over the day if I don't stay hydrated (so that's a part of the goal too) - I might be comfortable at 6am in an outfit, but by 4pm I could rip it off.  My goal is that I'll feel just as comfortable at 4pm in a fabric dress with no stretch.

I've had the whole spectrum of sabotaging thoughts come back recently too, this hot weather hasn't helped much cause it's another chapter I've not used in my excuses book.  Funny how it's so much hotter every time we go to Turkey and I don't need the excuses, but hot in England - bleugh, it would dangerous not to include a packet of hobnobs in your daily sustenance!  The last few weeks have been a real battle with my head, probably the toughest battle yet, cause that battle is about me, not about how I've previously comforted outside circumstances with food, this has been about me and just me.  Funny, it dawned on me that these few months of maintaining and trying to learn about my food issues and how to trust myself around food, my body has shrunk.  That excess skin is going, I'm getting smaller.  Of course, my head said I was getting bigger again, here we go again, I can't be trusted to eat food blah blah blah.  Why are we always our own worst critic and so quick to judge ourselves in the worst possible light?

But there we go, I posted that photo of me and Andrew - what an amazing reaction.  It's lovely to be complimented, but most of all, it's fantastically powerful to see what you've achieved through the eyes of others.  Brings it all home.  Yes, I've done that.  Nobody else has done that, I've done that.  I am an achiever.  I am smashing my goals - me, I'm doing it!  Excellent!  I'm also studying for my future, something I've not done for a while.  I have two courses on the go - nutrition and weight consultancy, and nlp and life coaching.  I'm sure it'll all be personally beneficial and help me to make more sense of my journey.  My goal is to be able to do the same for others, first steps I think - to understand that for me.

And perhaps to take a little moment every now and again and be proud of who I am :)

This is really very hard!

I'm once again having that same old battle with my head. I know why, but have to wonder if it's the old demons trying to convince me to make excuses (or maybe I just think too much).  My biggest issue, not sure if its a fear but its a big issue for me that I don't cope too well with - feeling dizzy. I hardly drink these days and when I do, I don't do getting drunk at all cause I can't handle the dizzy stuff. I think the fear is that I will pass out - the embarrassment factor of that in public and the very real fear of doing so terrible damage if it were to happen at home where I'm alone for the majority of the time (kitties excepted of course).  I seem to get dizzy bugs often and I really don't like it!

The hot weather has arrived, my first hot weather in ketosis, I got dizzy, I blamed ketosis, I ate some crappy carbs.  I still felt dizzy, but also had awful arthritis hands once again along side bloating and nasty stomach pains.  Think I've managed to convinced myself that ketosis isn't the cause of dizzy. But now I'm out again and feeling like a failure again. I am unable to trust myself to be sensible with food which is pretty much the most ridiculous thing ever!  But the conclusion of that really is that I should wait til autumn comes around once again, I know I can do this through winter time, I should go with that. I should use this summer period to tone, and come to terms with me. My skin is shrinking back cause I've stabilised my weight I think, but my head thinks its cause its filling up again.  Been looking for a replacement denim skirt for ages as my other one is too big - found one today in Asda, decided I should get a 16 as denim tends to be small (that's an old "I'm not really this size, the sizing isn't right" thought!), so a 16 I got.  It's bloody massive!  So, the evidence is clearly there right before my eyes.

So why do I still feel so fat!

It's nearly July already!

Holiday all done and dusted. Had a fabulous time, and for the very first time I didn't give a fig about food (stepped in a few of them - figs - they are awfully sticky on your shoe). It was marvellous, liberating and another revelation to discover that holidays are not about food, or worrying about food, or having to eat cause its x o'clock.  It was brilliant. I ate when I was hungry. I ate what I wanted, which wasn't a great deal as it turns out.  I gained a hearty one pound in two weeks.  

Which leads me to conclude that successful weight loss is so much more about the head than the body.  I've spent many hours before, during and after this holiday giving serious consideration to becoming a consultant.  It's something I have wanted to do for very many years, and now I'm thinner, it's a dream that is within my grasp.  I've been a bit of a cheeky monkey and joined a Slimming World group - for research! I've signed up for 5 weeks and plan to observe the highs and lows of the psychology of the group, the dynamics and the motivation they gather from each other and the leader. I will also need to understand the plan a bit I think, to aid my cover!  I can't honestly see though, how a plan that has no restriction whatsoever on the volume of some food types can have so much success, I wonder if the winning members have been secretly doing a vlcd on the side?  Their magazine is just entirely dreadful, hardly a page that isn't about food, or becoming a consultant.  Of course, if too many succeed on their plan they'll have no members!

I've been poorly sick today with a hideous AF visit, once in a while my endo really takes hold and there is just nothing I can do but let it pass, so today has been spent in hot salty baths and lying in bed. It's passing now, but it ain't half horrible! BUT this month - no carb cravings, no deviating from plan, 100% in the zone, it's time to get to this target I keep thinking about, then I can make those dreams come true :)

Pick me ups for a low day

Got to love a visit from the Auntie, puts you in a bad mood when you know she's due for a visit and makes that craving devil on your shoulder talk louder and louder and louder.  Go on, have a whole pack of maltesers, it'll make those stomach cramps feel soooo much better.  I know I shouldn't listen to the craving devil, I know the craving devil lies.  And I know right now the craving devil is sitting pretty with a smirk on it's face rubbing it's fat belly with a mission accomplished (and a half!).  So, what to do on a day like today.  The thing not to do is go to Morrisons and let it off the leash with a promise you'll pay for whatever it wants.  It feels great for about 10 minutes. Then you just feel sick.  Then guilty.  Then a failure.  And so on.

So, here's how today has gone so far.  On Saturday I had a fall, went my full length after tripping in a pot hole in a car park.  Humiliating enough, but not a single solitary person came to my aid, there were lots about and not a single one of them even asked if I was ok.  After giving myself a mental once over, I decided nothing was in too bad a shape and got up.  And then noticed the looks.  These people that chose to leave me on the floor were looking at me in absolute disgust, like I was so drunk I could not function, I was appalled at their reaction to me, I'd only tripped up!  The only interaction I had was from one woman who pointed at the broken keyring I'd left on the floor.  So, I could have had any kind of injury, broken bones, the works, and the only reaction was someone who thought I may be littering!  That makes me incredibly sad, is that what our country has come to?  I am willing to acknowledge that my own reaction may be slightly influenced by the impending arrival of Aunt Flo.  I'd just like her to arrive and get on with it this time round.  I'm going on holiday on Friday, the last thing I need to be worrying about is the perils of sitting on a plane for 4 hours and if there is enough room to "freshen" in the plane loos.  Oh the joys of being a female!

Back to today.  An overwhelming need to be comforted by carbs.  Chocolate carbs in the main.  Chocolate muffins if I'm being more precise.  And so to Morrisons for stock.  I've eaten 2 muffins, half a packet of golden crunch creams (half price) and a pack of cheese puffs.  And that's it.  Not much of a rebellion really, and I left no room for lunch.  We're now on 4pm and I still feel full to the brim.  My plan to eat the former weight of my left leg in junk food has backfired miserably (or joyfully, depending on your viewpoint I guess).  I planned 2 McDonalds breakfast wraps followed by a chicken pizza for lunch, followed by the rest of yesterdays beef with chips and gravy for tea, interspersed with 4 muffins, the cheese puffs, assorted biscuits (I got cookies for heavens sake!) and maybe one of the packets of haribo I've got for the plane.  Oh, and not forgetting the "share" size bag (share?  who are they kidding?) of maltesers and minstrels for this evenings BGT viewing.  

And the good part of all that - I AM AN OVEREATING FAILURE!! 

Lovely, I have today discovered that I am physically and mentally incapable of having a total blow out on food.  We have indeed made some progress on this plan.  Ha ha ha.  Think I've just woken my craving devil from his hearty cheese puff snooze and he's not too happy.  Shame, I'm not listening to him again today.  I had a notion a short while ago to get out my fat clothes and try them on.  I'll make a mental note to do this every time I'm feeling a bit fat.  I have sold the majority of my clothes, I've no intention of needing them again, but I've kept a pair of jeans I used to roll myself into at my fattest, and a skirt that used to strain so much with my belly that the zip came down when I sat - I've got a picture of me wearing it a couple of days after I met Andrew on my "before" board.  Just for fun I thought I'd try both legs in one leg of the jeans.  I'm sure there is something a little odd about being on your own and laughing out loud, but that's what I did.  I can get both of my legs into one leg of those jeans.  Wow.  And the skirt, just entirely enormous, like a camouflage tent, even if I stick my belly right out in it's current bloated state, it still falls straight off.  And so I'm laughing.  Loudly.  Aunt Flo sent along her bestest set of craving devils and I'm just laughing.

I am a thinner person than I was, considerably thinner.  And there's nothing like seeing that for yourself to reinforce a fantastic achievement that has changed my life :)

This stuff isn't all that easy

Gosh, it's so hard doing normal. I keep flipping in and out of ketosis, challenging myself to have a "normal" day, trying out different carb types, seeing what happens.  I totally don't trust myself not to put my weight back on, I am so nervous of overeating but keep having a go to see what happens! Then I decide to go back to low carb, then to packs, then to juddd, arghhhhh!!!  It's going to be a longer process than I thought. Then I see people who have just plain stuck to the plan and are almost at target and I start to wish I'd done that too.

What I need to remember I think is that I am a size 12. I do not for one minute believe that, cause my size 12's are holiday clothes, mainly in light jersey. But I got 12's (ooh, and a couple of 10's) cause my 14's were looking baggy. My size 14 skinny (!) jeans are too big on the waist. All my new undies are size 12. So, I guess I must be a size 12. I won't ever manage that on the top half though, cause even though my 34 back bra's are now on the tightest hook, I need a double F cup - wont be squeezing those bad boys into a cotton button up blouse in a 12 at any point ever!  I seriously need my head to catch up, and I seriously need to bin this daft bmi thing (I'm still obese on there), I need to forget the scales and judge me on how I look in my clothes.

Today has been a shocking carb overload day, an entire day of junk, and I feel dreadful once again. I am wondering how many times I will conduct this particular experiment before I start to believe the results! But - another result that has been repeated - an overwhelming urge to walk off the effects, get moving and do some exercise.  Brilliant!  I've cycled twice this week, first time was incredibly ouch, second time enjoyable. Missed out today with the awful weather but looking forward to next time - now that's a novelty!

So, the journey is ongoing, with little twists and turns along the way.  Been thinking more about being a consultant. It's most important to me not to be a poor consultant, so it feels right to keep on thinking for now, still have some of my own questions to answer before I feel ready to answer them from others.

Dieting for the mind - how to get my fat head thinner

It's been an interesting week or so.  I decided some time ago to go with the flow of things and take the learning points from them, so that's what I've done again.  Went back onto low carb - to lesson the pain of reaching ketosis I decided to do this with some yummy fatty food and then switch to vlc once I got there.  Good plan, but then got a poorly bug, had a wickedly high temperature for a few days and was dizzy in the extreme - a hideous bug for me as I really don't do well with lightheadedness at the best of times.  So vlc kind of happened as I didn't feel much like eating.  All in all, lost the 9lb I gained on holiday and coming out of ketosis last time during that week.

Then something happened.  I'm not sure what.  I was entirely focused on acheiving a specific goal for my holidays and had decided to up my calories from vlc to around 1000-1200 a day and do some exercise.  It didn't happen.  Bread happened.  I don't know how or why but I was overtaken by the urge to have what everyone else was having.  Bread, cake, chocolate, crisps.  So I did.  And I did not enjoy any of it.  Back to the stomach cramps, dreadful bloating, sitting all afternoon wanting to go to the loo, being absolutely full to the brim with trapped wind.  Just awful.  But I kept on doing it for a good few days.  I could taste sugar all the time, unbearably sweet fake tasting sugar.  Yuck.  So then I got to thinking once again - how can I low carb in a healthy way as a life plan.

Just as a small aside to remind myself really, it may or may not have had an influence - my Dad has taken to calling me "skinny minny" and my Mum thinks I have lost enough weight now, and jokingly (I think) pleaded with me "not to go anorexic" on her.  I think that flipped a switch that helped me to see how much I've lost and started the train of thought about accepting me for what I look like rather than what I weigh (still obese by the way - only just, but I'm still there all the same on the good old bmi scale).  From doing the diet clubs at work I know that there is a whole range of weight:dress size ratios out there, and I really should be more accepting of where I sit in that.  And so, back to the thinking.

I need to know the why of things.  If I understand the reasoning behind things, I find them a whole lot easier to get on with.  So, if a plan tells me I need to drink upwards of 3 litres of water a day, I want to know why.  This plan is telling me that I can't drink alcohol while in ketosis, but not giving me the why of that. Not that I'm much of a drinker, but I need to understand the dangers of drinking alcohol if I'm planning that my future eating is going to be low carb based.  So off I went on a trawl to find out what I could find out :).  And that's when I came across Dr Michael R Eades blog.  Gosh that man talks some sense about low carbing and the whole process of ketosis.  I'm still reading through it all, but I've learnt so much about the mechanics of ketosis and energy supplies in the body, that I'm actually feeling like I have some control.  I've discovered how to get back into ketosis quickly (my high fat flip back in from a couple of weeks ago was exactly the right way to do it, although I hadn't realised it at the time), the role of water, what insulin resistance does, what dehydration does, why I need to up my salt - all the things I kind of knew about but didn't quite understand, it all makes total sense to me now.  I've been pointed in the direction of a book that will give me all the science I need to understand the full workings of the human engine and for the first time I feel back in control of me and what I am doing to my body.

Not quite got to the alcohol part yet, but it's been a very interesting journey this weekend all the same.  I now totally get the similarities and differences between ketosis and ketoacidosis, I understand metabolic syndrome and how insulin locks fat into cells and patrols round to stop it getting out again (and how to change that!) amongst many other things that perhaps I would have learned more about if I'd paid more attention in biology (the krebs cycle rang a familar bell!).  I've found my interest and I'm back there in the zone.

Wish I knew how I flipped out of it, perhaps it was to take me on this pathway to getting a better understanding.  Perhaps this better understanding will give me a better basis for my future.  Who can say at this point.  All I do know is that I'm buying clothes in a 12 or 14 so I must be getting quite thin!

Hi low carbing - I'm back!

It's time to set myself a new set of goals. I've learnt an awful lot about myself over the last few months, and I'm quite astonished with what I've achieved with what feels like, not a massive amount of effort. I've just returned from a weeks holiday in our beloved Içmeler, first of this year and first as a relatively thin person. There are a number of things to note from this, might take me a while to get it all down.

Firstly, a reconfirmation that me and carbs don't get along so well. The cramping pain I got from eating wraps on the plane was agonising. This returned in a milder way whenever I had more than just a little bread or dough based food (pizza for example). A little was ok, slice of toast with breakfast, but following this with a sandwich for lunch - no. So, I used the week to experiment with different combinations of carbs to see what happens. Another thing I learnt is I don't get that hungry, even out of ketosis, so I really don't need to eat all that much (I didn't - maxed at 2 meals a day with a couple of small snacks; bite size pastry with coffee, handful of crisps). Given my previous consumption of food, I was surprised. I also am now much better at recognising thirst, and the difference between it and real hunger. I understand cravings and food desires - it's so simple to fall into, particularly when eating out often - look at the menu, what do you fancy? A craving and desire please, no chips! I also discovered I have quite a large capacity to drink alcohol! I've never been much of a drinker, so didn't bat an eyelid at 6 months booze free. To be honest I've made alcohol into a monster in my head, something to fear and shy away from (there are other reasons for that, maybe I'll explore them one day). But, I like to drink beer if the mood takes (that desire thing again!) and can actually get through a fair amount too. So I have returned from holiday having drunk my former body weight in Efes Pilsner. Oops!

I learnt that I really don't much care for my flabby body, however much smaller it is. I need to tone. Excess skin trapped between the top of the very structured scaffolding of a cup sized bikini top and my armpits is not a good look, and one I really don't like. But, I also learnt that even girls who look amazing stood up or laid flat sunbathing in a little bikini also have extra bits that hang over the top of their teeny shorts when they sit. That was some comfort, and a lesson to learn on the getting thinner journey. That's the hard part, sorting my head and getting it to catch up with my body. Apart from one occasion only (wearing a jersey but still quite structured maxi in a size 10-12) I felt in my head fatter than when I was fatter! There is a lesson in there somewhere, and a little flashing warning light too... I need to remember that laid down, I can fit into jeans that are too tight for Andrew!

So, here I am, sticking to the Thursday morning weigh in. I've gained a total of 9lb since coming out of ketosis. I'm comfortable with that as a gain, it's still coming off though! Operation new Nicola phase 2 starts here. I plan to get back to S&S but with a little extra, and will exercise each day - 4 packs and a low carb meal. I started to cut the carbs yesterday, had 2500 calories, but just 68 grams of carb, and will continue this way into ketosis, then I'll cut the calories back too. 36 days til we return to Içmeler and I am targeting 1 stone 9 off for then. That will take me to a total of 81lb off on vlcd's, 109lb lighter than when I met Andrew (nearly 3 years by that point) and 129lb lighter than my heaviest weight. That's some achievement eh? A whole 9 stone 3lb person lighter!

In the words of our Turkish Tattooist friend - you are very changed this year :)

Life after low carbing - one week in

And I don't like it.  I mean, I really don't like it.  After the daft carb blow out I got to thinking long and hard about why I did it.  I'm not sure I reached a conclusion as such, but I do know that the saggy excess skin is bothering me.  And I know that it's bothering me cause I'm going on holiday next week.  I want to be as toned under the clothes as I look on the top.  I caught a look from my other half looking at my dreadful belly and it really stuck there in my head, I can see that look now without even closing my eyes, and it's in there, and it's bothered me.  Probably more than I can say out loud.  It's really very difficult to adjust to being a small person, particularly the very small person that turned out to be hiding under all that blubber.  When I was a kid I was always the tallest, right to being in my early teens I was always head and shoulder above everyone else, the boys as well as the girls, so that defined who I was - Nicola the very tall girl.  Of course I'd just hit my growth spurt years before any of them, and as a teenager I didn't get any taller, and felt like I was shrinking as everyone else began to tower above me.  I think that may have been a point where I've subconciously decided to become that stand out person again, but in a different way.  I've always felt big - there was not really any difference in my head between being tall big and being fat big, I always felt big.  So it would seem I just grew into the person I always felt I was.  Stay with me, I'll get to the point of these ramblings in a moment.  I'm 41 years old, and for as far back as I can remember, I've been a big person.  That is who I am, that is my entire being.  Now I'm not.  I really have to stand up poker straight to reach 5'5 and I fit nicely into petite cut clothes.  Despite my big hands and size 7 feet, I'm actually quite diddy.  And that's the bit I'm really really struggling with.  All this extra skin is putting a spanner in the works for me accepting what I see in the mirror cause I can't see beyond it.  I'm really trying very hard to, but I don't know how to do it.

So, that's how come, on day 193 I decided the summer break would start.  I decided that until I return from my holidays I can eat what I want, when I want, in the volumes I want.  And boy, have I done that.  But here's where the difference is in a real mind shift that I need to record and recognise and reward myself for.  Although I feel as "naughty" as I did before when I had blow out binges, and I do feel I've had blow out binges, when I look at what I've actually had, the volume and the calories - it's tiny in comparison to the "before binge".  That in itself is something really very huge for my head.  And here's the next thing - I don't like it.  I don't like feeling icky and bleugh.  I don't like feeling too full.  I don't like that I feel out of control.  I certainly don't like the hideous stomach cramps, hate that all afternoon I'm waiting for the clock to tick by til leaving time so I can get home and go to the toilet, don't like that I feel so tired, so lethagic, so blooming awful.  Carbs put me in a coma!

Turning into a bit of an experiment by noting how I feel after different things, I think the main culprits are the sugars.  I had flapjack and was in agony a couple of hours later.  Crisps don't seem to have the same intensity of effect, but cakes and biscuits clearly don't work for me.  All of these years of hideous gynae pain too - so much of that reduced and on most days actually gone without carbs - this week - it's back.  I've started to exercise again and then my knee pain is back with a vengance, and disproportionately to the exercise I was taking - I may have an injury, or it's more likely to be the carb effect.

So, here's what I'm doing.  I go on holiday in 3 days (3 days at this time we'll be above the clouds and on our way to our beloved Icmeler).  I want to have a drink at 7am at the airport cause that's what holidays are all about, I want to get a little bit tiddled on the plane and I want to enjoy the first Efes from the stop off point on the transfer, all warm and overpriced.  So, I'm staying as I am.  I'll likely avoid the sugary stuff in the main, but I will eat bread, I will eat fruit, I will eat crisps.  Also, I will be sensible.  I will have a wonderful week in the sun with my fiance and I will put my wobbly worries to the back of my head.  We'll walk a lot, I may even swim a lot.  I will eat when and what I want.

And you never know, I might even come back a bit more toned.  And when I do return, it's ketosis time again for me :)

188 days later... possessed by a rebellious child with sabotaging thoughts

Habits... why is it that bad ones are so good and good ones are so difficult to keep current?  Why is it that feeling bad, feeling poorly, feeling a bit sorry for yourself can be cured, according to my head, by putting sugary substances into my mouth and chewing?  Why is it that I can't allow myself to achieve something amazing?  What is it about my life that the fear of success overrides everything else?  Why can I not love what I've done so far and embrace it?

Arrrrrggghhhhh!!!  My name is Nicola and I'm a carbaholoic.  Here's what's left of the evidence:

Firstly, I've not updated this blog for about a month I think, that seems to be point one in my undoing.  Then I've got to the point where I'm just 3lb from acheiving something amazing, and as we all know, us fatties are not achievers.  Add into that a good dose of pmt, the start of a head cold and you've all the excuses under the sun for "deserving" to be "treated" by having an entire pig out session on carb heavy foods.  Here's what I had - all gone, nothing left to evidence! - The other 2 bread rolls with bacon, butter and hp sauce.  2 lemon muffins filled with fresh cream, most of another packet of Thai sweet chilli crisps (yes, I got 2 cause they were on a multibuy offer!!).  Here's what happened - awful pmt yesterday, not so much of the agonising pain, but overall yuckiness, coupled with the start of a head cold.  It was so hot at work and I just felt icky all day long.  And all day long I just wanted some Thai sweet chilli crisps, and failed to notice in any of that, that I was allowing those sabotaging thoughts to take control, and take over all the good habits I've developed over the last 6 months.  A good learning point I guess, but that's just an excuse for what I've done (although it is a good learning point!).  So, instead of just buying a packet of crisps in a shop I needed to go into to drop some parcels off, I went to Morrisons, cause by then I needed to have a bacon sandwich.  And once I was there syrup sponge and custard was just the cure I needed for my sore throat and banging head (I know, paracetemol is far more effective).

So I got home, having had half the packet of crisps in the car on the way.  My headache wasn't any better by this point by the way, it clearly wasn't the miracle cure I'd figured it would be.  Had one of the muffins, felt sick.  Did the bacon sandwiches, more crisps and the other muffin.  Felt sicker.  Really couldn't face any more of the "cures" and needed to drink plain water.   I could hear a tiny voice somewhere in the distance, shouting loudly, but muffled, asking what was I doing?  To be honest, I'd been bugged by it all day but I got those crisps to tie it to a chair and gag it, it seemed it had broken free.  This morning I have got out of bed, knowing exactly what to do.  The good Doctor Beck has spoken to me - I can waste those carbs inside of me, it's my choice, they'll be around longer than just eating them, and will take a while to process through to waste disposal, all the while causing much more damage than just adding the pounds and throwing me out of ketosis, all the time they are giving energy to that rebellious child, and feeding that giving in muscle, making it stronger and stronger.  Or I can waste those carbs with the least amount of damage done - by putting them straight into the bin and laughing at my giving in muscle, sitting my rebellious child on the naughty step and taking back control.  So here's what I did:

 

The next stage is confession.  Getting it all out into the open, not hiding what I've done.  So here I am.  I am human, I make mistakes, I have a whole suitcase full of excuses to use, but ultimately I made a choice.  And today I'm making another choice.  Yesterday I got a pair of size 14 skinny trousers.  I've never been skinny anything, my legs have always been rather larger, however big I've been, so trousers have been a thing I don't own many examples of, cause I can never get them to fit.  I looked at these trousers and asked myself why on earth I thought a garmet so tiny would actually fit me.  They did fit me.  I'm returning them cause they are too tight on my legs and I don't like how they look, but I got them on, and did them up.  AND, they were actually a little bit big on the waist.  So there giving in muscle, I'm NOT letting you get stronger.  You've ruled my life for far too long.  I'm not that big person anymore.  I will get used to being a size 12/14 and I WILL BE STAYING THERE!

 

 

12 days to my holiday.  12 days of Beck concentration.  12 days of reminding myself why I'm doing this, what I've achieved and how brilliant that is, how brilliant I am.  I've lost nearly 5 stone for heavens sake, I've lost 5 dress sizes - what's not to shout about!  :)

Hello my friends, it's been a while...

Since my last blog post, and since I started this journey too.  I'm on day 160 or so today since the start, but I have to say that I've not been doing a vlcd for 160 days.  In the main I have but there have been times when, well you know.  It's a long complicated journey to reach my destination, and whilst I'm fairly sure of the right direction, I don't have a sat nav and occasionally I take the wrong turning.  But it's all progress towards to the end point that I will reach.

To say this is life changing is an understatement.  My life has changed completely and I hope it will change some more sometime soon.  I hope I can have the opportunity to share the learnings of my journey with many others, something I'm working hard to reach.  However, I need to refocus once again and now look at my life goals rather than my weight loss goals.  I've toyed a little in the last couple of weeks with low carb food.  Some of it I like, some of it I don't, but all of it doesn't like me!  Awful stomach pains and cramps, so it's not the way forward for me, experiment done!

I'm at a point where I'm looking at daily achievement goals, I need to break it down and get through each day.  I need the headspace to work through other areas so can't focus on longer than a day at a time at the moment.  I have some brave decisions to make!

Oh heck, that's all a bit downbeat, and I've not been here for so long either.  I think I'm actually quite happy, but I'm a bit scared about tomorrow and making the right choices for then (metaphorically speaking, I'm not talking about Wednesday!).  I'm very clear on what I want to do, but I'm not clear on whether its the right decision for me.  Maybe none of us are able to have that privilege and I should just go ahead and give it a go - what's the worst that can happen?

What was all the fuss about?

I don't know how I went off the rails.  It wasn't in a spectacular way and I always stayed in ketosis, but I was totally off the plan and eating too many calories.  I probably needed to do it to learn a few life lessons, and maybe reminisce about the old days, rebel a little at the control I need to have around eating, and indulge in feeling a bit sorry for myself for a bit.

I did totally lose my way and couldn't see a way back through to getting back to just the 4 packs a day.  Until I asked for help.  Everybody was so lovely and so kind, and so right, but I think the catalyst to destroying the sabotaging me was the process of asking for that help.  It really was a problem halved, at the very least, and felt like a huge burden lifted.  And since that point - 100%.  As a little bonus, I've been puzzling for a while now about my losses, I was sure I'd miscalculated somewhere along the line, so I set about sorting that once and for all today, and indeed I had.  Three weeks into the plan I changed from LL to S&S, and also changed from evening weigh in to morning weigh in.  I'd made an allowance for the difference, but had added it up wrong - I owe myself another pound - yay!  So I'm only 2lb off 4 stone lost now - and I've not hit 20 weeks.  I'm really really pleased with that, despite all this messing about, I've lost all that weight in under 5 months.

I've also started to look at how I can tone more, and have treated myself to some zaggora hot pants.  I bought some last year in XL and had to send them back as they wouldn't go beyond my knees.  I ordered large this time and they are fine :).  Also got their creams on a groupon bargain, so I'm using them too, along with 10 minutes a day on my virbroplate toner.  Already, and it's very early days, I'm over an inch thinner on each thigh - cracking!  I'm starting to think more about my final target, and what I should look to get to.  Less than a stone and I'm into overweight territory, and to be honest, it's not that much further to reach "normal" - I think I can do that, but I don't know if I want to.  I've still a way to go and I'm already smaller than I ever thought possible, I seem to be shrinking before my own eyes!

I don't think it's too much to say that doing a VLCD is life changing.  I cannot believe the difference in me.  Going away for a short break to Marrakech this week, in smaller clothes!  Will be fabulous to get a bit of sun on me as a smaller person, give me a taste of what Turkey will be like in June, with me at target :)

And yet it's continued!

Arrrggghhhh!!!!

I've been such an idiot.  Another week has gone by, another week of eating too much, giving in to cravings, sticking my tongue out to Dr Beck, and more than likely another week of not losing anything.  Oddly, it's been a week of completing a Beck task every day - up to Monday at least.  This is entirely stupid, and needs to stop.

Trouble is, I don't know how to, or at least I didn't, until my plea for help was answered by the lovely ladies on MM who pointed out the obvious that was hidden away just inside my head, far back enough for me not to catch it - I'm scared.  I'm being exposed, I'm losing my comfort blanket of fat to hide behind.  I'm getting compliments which is great, but also very uncomfortable and it's really hard.  So, I'm hanging on to what's left and not letting it go.  And that is just plain daft.  I didn't lose anything last week, that's just daft too.  I've decided for weeks now that I'm hungry and need to eat - all the time - and it's just not the case.

So, today, I think I might have found the key once again, today feels different, today I've had 2 packs, and that's it.  I'm making a soup from my veg allowance, I've given the last of the ham to the cats, and the cheese is in the bin.  There is no cream!

And if today has taught me anything at all, it's that I want to do this, I want to be a success and I want to pursue a future career in this area.  So, today is a new day, as is tomorrow and the day after that.  By May, I'll be an entirely different person :)

Lesson learnt

OK, lets view this in a positive light - all things experienced that can be learned from and improved upon are not things wasted.  I've allowed the excuses to start popping into my head again, in my previous post I confessed to the consumption of many calories, but of a low carb origin that has allowed me to "get away" with overeating, and not having it show on the scales.  My excuses for this - I like to call them reasons, it seems less of a cop out - so my body has chance to catch up with my weight loss and I'm not left with a saggy empty bag of skin to wander round aimlessly in.  Whilst there is some merit in that, what I've actually done is get used to cravings and desires once again.  I've fancied something to eat, I've had it.  In my fridge I have double cream.  It makes a lovely pepper sauce to have with spinach and smoked salmon.  And it's more calories in one meal than I have for the rest of the day.  And then I fancy something else.  So I have it.

And pretty soon, if I continue down this path, I'll be right back at the beginning with my food issues.  So here is where it stops.  The lesson is learnt.  Yesterday I was back to 4 packs, but even that was 4 packs with scrambled egg (with double cream).  I had a fancy for scrambled egg with spinach, and I'm very glad I did cause it was awful.  And it made me stop and think - what am I doing!  It's official weigh day tomorrow, and this morning I'd not lost a thing.  That really shouldn't happen on this plan, I should be dropping a couple of pounds as an absolute minimum.  I'm only 5lb off my next stone, I should have been doing a big push this week to get there.  Jees, I'm only 1lb of getting under the next stone and I've not done that either!  9lb off my next goal.  All of these acheivements totally doable in the next couple of weeks and I've wasted them for double cream.  Was it worth it?

No.

What its like eating too much

I need to get this down as a reminder.  Today I have over eaten.  Because I wanted to.  I've had one pack today and two wafers, along with food.  Not low cal, but all low carb.  This I know (cause I do it quite often!) will mean my "cheats" will not show on the scales - or in other words, I'm getting away with it.  I'm doing this currently under the guise of being a bit stressed out with personal circumstances (now sorted) and to slow down my losses so I don't get too much loose skin.  Right - that's my sabotaging muscle exercised for the evening.  Now time to strengthen the positives - I feel like complete garbage.

I feel sick and uncomfortable and I also feel like I must keep on eating.  It's dreadful.  I unpacked my order earlier on and was salivating like a dog!  So bad.  I need to get a grip and get back on it.  I've not read Beck for a week or so, time to get back to that I think.