I've written this blog to help me on my weight loss. I hope it may hope others too who are considering following a VLCD. These are my own personal views and thoughts, I have no assocation with the plans I choose to follow other than buying their products for my own personal use!

Wednesday 31 July 2013

Let the voting commence (and blessed greetings for Lammas Day) (and eh up lass for Yorkshire Day)

1st August. I think I knew 4 years ago that 1st August would be a significant day, it was the day I decided to have two tiny hearts tattooed on the inside of my wrist. It's Yorkshire Day, the county of my birth and where I've lived for much of my life, and it's Lammas Day too - the Pagan festival to worship the nature Gods and hope for a good harvest. It would be normal to make an offering of bread and wine today - I shall have to consider a ketogenic vlc alternative!

But, for this year, 2013, 1st August has a whole other huge massive scary smiley jump up and down with joy so very nervous rambling a bit now significance. It's the day my weight loss story (along with 33 other brave souls) goes live to the very big worldwide platform that is Facebook.  Me, overweight Nicola, failed dieter Nicola, yes I'm trying another wacky eating plan Nicola, is telling the world how bloody proud I am of what I've achieved with Slim & Save.  With pictures too! I am so excited, and so nervous.  It's a competition, and 3 of us will win an iPad.  But it's so not about that - I'm not just saying that now cause I won't win, preparing my oh well they deserved it more face - genuinely this is so much bigger and so much more significant than winning an iPad. This is telling the whole world that I have successfully lost weight, that I have achieved such a massive thing for me (no pun intended!). This is really the start of my new life, one where I value my achievements in all things, one where I am comfortable with me.  One where I can stand up and do karaoke and not care a stuff if I'm out of tune cause I'll just be having a good time, one where I can just pull a face if someone points a camera my way instead of getting the angle right to minimise chins/arms/suck stomach in etc.

Right now I could cry, with excitement I think, but nervousness too, and more than a little anticipation.  Gosh it's so strange!  So, lets raise a glass of Coke Zero to all of us who have changed our life's with S&S, the ones who have entered this time round - and most of all, the ones who didn't quite feel ready to go public just yet.  Nothing would give me a warmer feeling than knowing that reading my story has helped someone else feel a little bit prouder of what they've done too.  Apart from peeing in a wetsuit, that gives a warm feeling I'm told, and now I can get in a wetsuit I wonder if I'll ever get the urge to try that out ;)

Tuesday 30 July 2013

Day 6 of Simplicity - kind of....

Didn't make it back to update on Monday. I did the packs, think I did 4, but Monday seems like such a blur already. Monday turned into probably one of the very worst days of my life.  I don't think the details are ready for blogging, don't know if that is "yet" or "ever" but my life as I know it has changed. Anyway, this isn't supposed to be about other stuff, this is about my weight loss journey so it's probably best to stick with that and just say that my previous me (and my recent me) would have looked for help deep in the carb cupboard. I didn't do that.  I stuck to the plan.  And in the midst of all this going on around me I have made probably the most enormous step forward in my whole entire life.

Ok, all that sounds very deep, and I guess without the exact context of the circumstances it could be a little dramatic, but lets just keep the faith that I might just have cracked the emotional response trigger! I'm wondering when to do the official weigh in, I've always done Thursday morning as a rule, but I started my pack challenge on Friday, ooh the decisions I'm faced with lol.  I do know its Wednesday (progress there then!) and I'm already showing a significant difference on the scales. I can't pretend to be surprised on weigh day really, I am a daily weigher and then some. Don't see a huge issue with that really, I'm not looking for approval from that little patch of bathroom floor, instead I am genuinely curious about the daily fluctuations of my weight, and all that is particularly ok now my goal is not about what those scales say.  And, if you are stuck in being a slave to the harsh word of the bathroom scale, try going before and then immediately after a significant "sit down" to lighten the mood and laugh at the daftness of it all!

So, back to today, I'm up fairly early again, got stuff to be getting on with, long day at work.  Will take my extra packs with me so I can have them rather than be tempted elsewhere and will be back home in 12 hours or so.  Two day target now - stick with the plan, it's going great. Wearing my Next shift dress today - already it fits marvellously.  Can't bottle that :)

Sunday 28 July 2013

The start of a new week

I survived the weekend, in the flat by myself with a decent degree of temptation here, but I ignored it.  My target was to to complete 3 days just with packs.  I did that in the main - added some wafer thin ham and grated Parmesan to cheesy pasta twice, but overall I'm fairly pleased that that is a good result.  It's been months since I did any number of days just on packs.  So, I need another target:

Get through Monday on a max of 5 packs with added protein tonight.  

That sounds quite generous but I have noted that I have more triggers at work. At home I can control the environment, I can put Andrews food out of sight and not have tempting things here. At work I can't have that amount of control. I am surrounded by skinniest who munch all day long on garbage - doesn't seem fair does it, but I bet their cholesterol is higher than mine! So, generous but still on plan progress target.

Will return later to report in... :)

Another post already? You only did one yesterday.

Woke this morning full of beans.  Metaphorically speaking of course as beans are loaded with carbs.  Actually I didn't wake full of beans, my kitten did, and some of that has rubbed off on me.  Or more likely it's been scratched into the surface of my skin all over my entire body.  She's a kitten, a tiny one at that, and is absolutely the bounciest little creature I've ever come across.

This is relevant - put the kettle on, I'll get to it...

Molly has lived in her new forever home for 3 weeks.  She was a very small 8 week old when she arrived, very loving and quite serene, purred a lot and loved cuddles.  So, on the surface she seemed to be a happy little kitten.  The morning after she arrived it was abundantly obvious that she wasn't very well, her eyes and nose were snotty and she spent the morning sneezing.  She was still all those other things I'd seen on Friday night when she arrived though.  By Monday I had her to the vets, cat flu was suspected, and a course of antibiotics and eye drops was prescribed.  Now, I'm not kidding you, within half an hour she was an entirely different kitten.  She was a bundle of bouncing happiness, and she's got bouncier and bouncier every single day.  So, I guess from Molly, it can be learnt that an outside appearance can give a misleading impression of how one actually feels inside.  She must have been feeling dreadful, but in her short life she didn't know she could feel any better, so made the most of what her life was and just got on with it the best she could.  I have two other cats, and anyone who has cats will know it takes a little time for a newbie to be accepted - Molly was such a hurricane of energy that it took her a couple of weeks to not be hissed at.  The moment my old Taz allowed her to sit next to him - honestly, the joy was oozing out of her, she was so happy!  It was a moment for me that brought home how every single creature is capable of emotion, and to see such happiness in a tiny kitten was quite something.

Which brings me back to my own journey.  One of the difficult parts of it I think, is the difference I feel in myself and about myself.  I've been this relatively happy person for a long time, on the outside anyhow, but now I feel that on the inside too and I'm bouncier than I ever was.  That must be a bit strange to see.  People who have been in my life for a very long time must find it a bit odd to see and hear this person - the voice is the same and she looks a bit like she used to, but gosh, she looks very different and she bounces in a totally different way!  It's my journey through my choice, but it's also a journey that I've enforced on those around me.  I didn't discuss this with them before I started (my OH excepted, we did talk at length about going on a vlcd), I just enforced this change on them.  That must have been quite weird for them.  And, a time that I've not appreciated really.  I am quick enough to say that my journey has been life changing, it has, in so many ways (I'd like it to change my career too, but I'm working on that bit!) but it's also been life changing for those around me, and I don't think I've given enough thought to that.

I've taken my time to get used to the new me, my head is still catching up, and I still don't believe I'm actually not fat anymore.  But what about everyone else.  They can see the difference, and that's what they need to get used to, their journey of acceptance is different to mine, and it's not one of their choosing.  I guess for some of them it would feel natural to be worried about it, to be concerned that we've changed so much so quickly - surely there must be something wrong with us that we can't bring ourselves to share?  They may feel threatened by us, not in a violent way of course, but it may undermine the relationship dynamics, and perhaps they'll feel a little left behind if they can't match your bounce anymore.

Perhaps I should remember to bounce less at times :)

Saturday 27 July 2013

It's time for something positive

And so here I am again.  I really should write this more often, which I think, ironically, is the thing I've written most often on here.  I've just spent an hour reading through all my postings, it was a nice reminder of how far I've come, a little teary one at times, and an embarrassing one at others.  When you read through right from the start again you can tap into that original motivation, that hope and wonder of a fat girl wanting to change her life for the better. It's easy to get lost on the way, and do that human thing of focusing on all those posts about coming off plan, not giving a fig for a day or two, but really it should be about the fantastic achievement overall.

I felt more than a little sad reading about my euphoria at getting into a New Look size 16 - bless me!  That seems so long ago, and that euphoria has just become something that happens instead.  Why did I stop celebrating?  I guess when you've had a lifetime of not achieving personal goals, maybe it feels a bit conceited to keep on celebrating - I don't know, but I do know that I should be massively proud of what I've done.  I'm putting together my entry for the S&S Ipad competition this weekend and so got to looking at some old pictures once again.  There is one of me and Andrew, about 2 days after we met, and I remembered one almost identical from our April holiday - put the two together and what a blooming difference!  We've been together for a smidge over 3 years now, and I'm 7 stone lighter!  That's nuts, what's not to celebrate about that.

I have also reassessed (again!) where I want to be.  I've refocused my goals at long last away from what the scales say.  My goal are now about how I feel, how my clothes fit.  To achieve them I need to lose some more weight, but the weight loss is the journey to achievement rather than the achievement if that makes sense.  It's like learning to drive I guess, the goal is to pass your driving test, the goal isn't to have 27 driving lessons is it?  So my goal is to fit comfortably into a size 14 outfit of structured material all day.  That takes away the "yes it's a size 10 but it's jersey" issue out of my head, cause I can't work out that I'm not a 22 anymore cause I can actually get into a size 10, my head says it's not a 10 cause it's stretchy.  So, I know I bloat up terribly over the day if I don't stay hydrated (so that's a part of the goal too) - I might be comfortable at 6am in an outfit, but by 4pm I could rip it off.  My goal is that I'll feel just as comfortable at 4pm in a fabric dress with no stretch.

I've had the whole spectrum of sabotaging thoughts come back recently too, this hot weather hasn't helped much cause it's another chapter I've not used in my excuses book.  Funny how it's so much hotter every time we go to Turkey and I don't need the excuses, but hot in England - bleugh, it would dangerous not to include a packet of hobnobs in your daily sustenance!  The last few weeks have been a real battle with my head, probably the toughest battle yet, cause that battle is about me, not about how I've previously comforted outside circumstances with food, this has been about me and just me.  Funny, it dawned on me that these few months of maintaining and trying to learn about my food issues and how to trust myself around food, my body has shrunk.  That excess skin is going, I'm getting smaller.  Of course, my head said I was getting bigger again, here we go again, I can't be trusted to eat food blah blah blah.  Why are we always our own worst critic and so quick to judge ourselves in the worst possible light?

But there we go, I posted that photo of me and Andrew - what an amazing reaction.  It's lovely to be complimented, but most of all, it's fantastically powerful to see what you've achieved through the eyes of others.  Brings it all home.  Yes, I've done that.  Nobody else has done that, I've done that.  I am an achiever.  I am smashing my goals - me, I'm doing it!  Excellent!  I'm also studying for my future, something I've not done for a while.  I have two courses on the go - nutrition and weight consultancy, and nlp and life coaching.  I'm sure it'll all be personally beneficial and help me to make more sense of my journey.  My goal is to be able to do the same for others, first steps I think - to understand that for me.

And perhaps to take a little moment every now and again and be proud of who I am :)

Thursday 11 July 2013

This is really very hard!

I'm once again having that same old battle with my head. I know why, but have to wonder if it's the old demons trying to convince me to make excuses (or maybe I just think too much).  My biggest issue, not sure if its a fear but its a big issue for me that I don't cope too well with - feeling dizzy. I hardly drink these days and when I do, I don't do getting drunk at all cause I can't handle the dizzy stuff. I think the fear is that I will pass out - the embarrassment factor of that in public and the very real fear of doing so terrible damage if it were to happen at home where I'm alone for the majority of the time (kitties excepted of course).  I seem to get dizzy bugs often and I really don't like it!

The hot weather has arrived, my first hot weather in ketosis, I got dizzy, I blamed ketosis, I ate some crappy carbs.  I still felt dizzy, but also had awful arthritis hands once again along side bloating and nasty stomach pains.  Think I've managed to convinced myself that ketosis isn't the cause of dizzy. But now I'm out again and feeling like a failure again. I am unable to trust myself to be sensible with food which is pretty much the most ridiculous thing ever!  But the conclusion of that really is that I should wait til autumn comes around once again, I know I can do this through winter time, I should go with that. I should use this summer period to tone, and come to terms with me. My skin is shrinking back cause I've stabilised my weight I think, but my head thinks its cause its filling up again.  Been looking for a replacement denim skirt for ages as my other one is too big - found one today in Asda, decided I should get a 16 as denim tends to be small (that's an old "I'm not really this size, the sizing isn't right" thought!), so a 16 I got.  It's bloody massive!  So, the evidence is clearly there right before my eyes.

So why do I still feel so fat!